You Might Also Like
Couldn’t afford a butterfly knife, so I got a caterpillar one. Now, I wait.
Hear me out…
A leaf blower, but for people.
I just heard my roommate mixing some beats except I don’t have a roommate and it was my cat throwing up.
*guitarist breaks guitar*
HELL YEAH
*drummer throws drums*
YES YES
*singer stabs a bunch of guys*
OH MY GOD
*bassist plants a bomb*
STOP
Sometimes I say, “Damn you to hell” after someone sneezes, just to mix it up a bit.
Cashier: you’re 8 cents short
Me: it’s only 8 cents can you just let it slide
Cashier: no
Me: *slides cashier 20 dollars* what about now
hey 🙂 if you’re having a good day, i just want you to know that tarantulas can swim
Some people don’t like awkward silences but I do because that’s when I think about Thundercats.
[at a dinner party]
Me: hey can I get a picture of the table?
Everyone: *leans in, faces me, smiles*
Me: you’re all blocking the table
“There are enough donuts here to last a lifetime!” thought Jerome, his nose twitching with excitement. Three hours later, he found himself sprawled on his back in a shallow puddle of milk at the bottom of the bowl, staring at the ceiling, feeling overwhelmed by shame and regret.
*At store buying school supplies*
Son: I need hashtag 2 pencils
*sprinkles gummy bears on a caesar salad*
COP: step outta the car
ME: k
COP: got any drugs on u
ME: nah
COP: how about the car
ME: wouldn’t surprise me. it’s been acting funny lately
5 yo me: Throw my ducky in the bath
15 yo me: Throw on some tunes while im in the bath
30 yo me: Throw the toaster in while im in the bath
TEACHER: Have you got anything for today’s palindrome class?
STUDENT: dammit I’m mad
TEACHER: OK, OK, I’ll ask someone else
I miss being a baby and having milestones. No one cares if you’re an adult and can lift your head or roll over on a blanket.
Me: *typing on laptop*
My cat: *climbs on me, reaches & puts 2 paws on my face*
Me: Aww. So sweet.
My cat: *rips my glasses off with his paws, & flings them on the floor*
Me: Or not.
I bought new running shoes. They look really good while I sit outside and smoke
psa: clockwise doesn’t change just because you’re left-handed
2019: Keto is a lifestyle
2020: Cheeto is a lifestyle
Me: I’m going to eat healthier.
My 25 y.o. son: I don’t understand why, but okay.
3: mom, you got a chicken I can use?
My resume reads like an oddly formatted apology letter
“You are now about to witness the STRENGTH of street knowledge,” I tell my Über passengers as I turn off my GPS.
I respect the guy who drives his Blue BMW through the White Castle drive thru. It’s like he’s saying: “I’m better than you—but not by much.”
my dog when i have a friend over
Judge: Guilty
Me: Sayyoudidwhat.
Judge: What did you say?
Me: Judge? Did you just reverse my sentence?
*Stage dives into cheering jury*
Yet another thing they should’ve saw coming
Never ask a woman for a massage. She’ll do it for 5 minutes, then somehow trick you into giving her an hour-long one. WIZARDS.
The nurse said take everything off except bra and panties, but all I have under my dress is a tampon string I wish I could pull to parachute right outta here