6“- Ive had bigger
7”- Can’t complain
8”- PERFECT
9”- A bit much
10”- My insides hurt
11”- Please no more
12”- Legally dead-Me after pizza
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“It’s hotter than a junkie’s spoon in July”
Excuse me, what kind of Florida metric system are we using now??
bias laundering edition
*leads a conga line off of a bridge
Just ghostbustered some flies with the vacuum – hope you idiots like legos
As soon as they heard the flush, my phone interview took a drastic turn.
Sequel to Cats (2019) called 2 Cats 2 Curious
When having guests over for lunch, once I’ve prepared the meal is it rude of me to leave?
I triple waxed for this?
Scrolls Twitter
*throws phone in holy water
fruit vendors are just vegan butchers.
I wish my seven-year-old daughter would stop using air quotes whenever she calls me “Dad.”
Apple Watches your money go into their pocket.
I thought this waitress was in love with me but then right in front of my eyes she started to bring other people food.
If Popeye ate escargots instead of spinach would he be known as Popeye the snailor man?
#SpinachDay
*curtsying before the royal duck court*
M’allard!
If I die, someone please tell my husband that my shoes are worth six times as much as I said I paid for them.
Me: Remember, you’re grounded today.
8-year-old: Why?
Me: For what you did last night.
8: You were supposed to forget about that.
If alcohol kills millions of brain cells, how come it never killed the ones that made me want to drink?
I can tell by the dents & busted tail light on your car you are serious about making this lane change work for you come Hell or high water.
Patience is what parents have when there are witnesses.
Nobody:
Me: “What if dinosaurs really just had that Kardashian vocal fry?”
“We’re still looking for a side project”
Tornado: *raises hand* we could flip houses
“We’ve been over this, it’s not what you think it is”
They say olive oil is really healthy and you should put it on everything, but it makes my cat look like an otter.
cats when you pet them too long:
Pro Tip: You can disable the surveillance camera in your microwave by heating a metal fork on the high setting for 7 minutes.
Me: digging up to the surface for a bit
Worm Wife: why
Me: idk because I can sense that it’s raining?? How does this not interest you
Worm Wife: you’ll shrivel up you know…
Me: You’re crazy, it’s so wet out there 😂
Me: think I’m gonna crawl across the entire driveway 😳
[after discovering wine] WHAT ELSE *hiccup* WHAT ELSE CAN WE DRINK AFTER IT GOES BAD
trying to get through to Mozart on the Ouija board I really want him to listen to the Thong Song
any two men could tell me they were in daft punk and i would believe them
Grammar isn’t just grandpa’s wife.