Day 1 of quarantine: I’m going to take this as an opportunity to improve my health
Day 2 of quarantine: Due to personal reasons, I am eating a lasagna in my shower
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The Pillsbury Doughboy has died. Services will be at 350 degrees for 30-40 minutes.
(filing for divorce)
Judge: Hello there Mike. The usual?
Me: That’s right.
[being strapped to a medieval torture table]
“tbh not what I thought you meant when you said you were going to show me a nice rack”
*cleaning Dorito dust off of a crayon drawing of Spongebob* yeah I restore art
Put your address and social security number into the GIF search then mail me your house keys to find your rapper name
I don’t understand why I cant lose weight. I thought dieting was a piece of cake.
Goodnight everyone except the guy who invented that thing that shows that you are typing something
More than 500 million planets in the Milky Way Galaxy are capable of supporting life.
Pick one and get out of my face.
I miss the days where someone would tell us shit like “Mick Jagger is Kesha’s dad” and we’d all just believe it for months because it didn’t matter if it was true or not
American Horror Story:
Walmart Bathroom
Facebook’s great for when you wanna see a picture or a joke you saw on Twitter four years ago
Taking pity on my neighbors and finally getting motorized blinds on my windows… they’ve suffered enough.
Called my mom on FaceTime and had a heart to heart conversation with her magnified thumb
to get your prison name, take your favorite weapon and then murder someone.
I’m a new werewolf and I have questions
-where am I going
-do I have to stay up all night I like to go to sleep at 9pm
-is howling at the moon necessary I have sensitive vocal chords
-do i really have to hunt & kill things I have a gluten allergy can I just go to Whole Foods
Bruce Willis in Starbucks. he gives his name as “not Bruce Willis” and when they call him he grabs his coffee and runs away giggling
Canadian girls wear sundresses all year round. Sometimes it’s just underneath flannel.
Banana is the quietest snack
Hospital Administrator: And how will you be paying?
Me: *Has no insurance* Dearly.
They say you’ll never forget your first kiss, but what they don’t tell you is you will also never forget the first time you throw up everything you consumed at the state fair.
Just injected myself with bleach and as far as I can tell nothing is hapxczfdszg vhrwxx
$&8766bfdgjkklk vbczzsawq
[me as a disc jockey]
me: you’re on the air
caller: please stop singing over the songs
So we agree when the zombies come we feed em the teenagers first, right?
Time flies when you duct tape an alarm clock to a pelican.
Time zones are amazing! Here in New Zealand it’s tomorrow, in America it’s yesterday and in North Korea it’s 1980.
Active voice: I loved your book
Passive voice: Your book was loved
Passive-aggressive voice: I love how you felt the need to write a book
Someone ripped the 5th month out of my calendar.
I’m dismayed…
Me: I don’t trust our mailman.
Wife: Why?
Mailman: [from closet] Yeah, why?
Neighbor may have just called the cops after hearing me yell at the cat for stealing my cheese bread