[dog training]
Me: *hand out* Paw….paw…
Dog: *sits there*
Me: What’s wrong, boy?
Dog: *hands me Purell*
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There’s black ice out there. Walk slowly with a wide stance while crouching and keep your arms away from your body for balance. I’m not sure if it will keep you safer but it’s funny to think about you walking that way.
You say you’re a stoner?
Name every stone then
No one has more ailments than a child who was put to bed.
I just sneezed and even my dog looked worried.
When parents say to kids “go to ur room & think about what you’ve done” it’s really good practice for what you’ll do every night as an adult
Me (comforting a friend who’s team lost): There, there. Football is stupid
Dongle sounds like just one more thing in Australia that will kill you.
The doctor looked sad when he came into the exam room but he cheered up when he saw my “live fast, die young” tattoo so I’m excited to hear what he has to say
white cavewoman naming her child “oog” but it’s spelled “eauxgh”
Hear me out. If Batman is canonically about 32 then he was born in 1986. And if his parents were killed leaving a movie theater when he was ten years old, then there is a very real possibility
that they were seeing Space Jam.
don’t usually brag about helping people, but when I saw an old lady drop her groceries, I yelled: “lift with a straight back!” it felt good
Me *pouring coffee* are you going to work today?
Windows Explorer: who knows lol
The only cardio that releases pleasurable endorphins is sex. I know this because 35min on a treadmill & I just want to punch someone!
Please stop inventing new slang words so quickly. I’m having trouble not becoming my grandmother.
I saw my ex getting beaten up by half a dozen thugs.
For a second, I thought, “Should I help?”
Then I thought, “No…6 should be enough.”
boeing: you can’t bring more than 3 ounces of shampoo on board because we care about your safety
me: ok and the doors will definitely stay on the plane?
boeing: …IF they fall off, it won’t be because of shampoo
PRINCESS PEACH: oh Mario I have terrible news
MARIO: what is it
PRINCESS PEACH: Luigi is dead!
MARIO: who?
PRINCESS PEACH: *sighs and pinches bridge of her nose* green you is dead
MARIO: oh no!
He had the strength of ten men and the confidence of twelve morons.
Parenting Tip: Wear clothing with pockets so you can flip off your children inconspicuously.
I go by many names but I’m usually referred to as Plan B.
Mom: When I was your age I never had sex
Me: Mom, I’m 32
Mom: Exactly
The dog version of Die Hard:
– Barkatomi Plaza
– John McGoodboy
– Holly Gennaroof
– Alan Rickman is a mailman
– Arfgyle
You’re never too old to ride inside of a shopping cart…
No matter what the store manager says.
I really admire my daughter’s restraint. When we were reunited after a week apart she waited 5 whole minutes before asking what I brought her
*gets waitress’s phone number*
*texts her before meal is over*
“Napkins????”
Me when my alarm goes off
[Veterans Hospital]
GRAMPS {waking from 72 year coma caused by D-Day head injury}: Did we beat the Nazis?
ME: Haha, well…interesting story
Good cop: you two could go away for six years each for this
Add cop: for a total of twelve years between you
Me: *enters Manager’s office wearing a pheasant face mask*
Manager: *sighs* “You know full well what I meant when I said that you needed your game face on for the meeting today”