Her: Do you have any fantasies?
Me: Probably a ham sandwich that’s a metre long
Her: No I meant like hot ones
Me: Oh yeah I’d toast the bread
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Going to show my kids before and after pictures of Lindsay Lohan and say this girl didn’t think she needed a nap either.
She carries herself with such poise, clumsy poise but still.
Mom, can teenagers drink coffee?
-my 5yo, planning ahead
Could reporters stop asking if political leaders “believe” in climate change and start asking if they understand it instead
Whats this kids eat free bullshit. When was the last time you saw a 4 year old pick up the lunch tab??They always eat free
if you play guitar in a band, always make sure to look like it hurts to play
Me: So, what was the issue?
Plumber: You had hundreds of Q-tips clogging your toilet.
Me:
Plumber:
Me: *sheepishly* I ran out of toilet paper.
Friggen “pharmacist” won’t give me over the counter kisses for my boo boos smh
I love raccoons. Part cat. Part dog. Part rodent. Part bear. Little people hands. What’s not to like?
Me: but the therapist told me I should face my fears
Wife: *seething* not your fear of dropping a baby you idiot
Me: calm down it wasn’t even our baby
TWITTER: something just isn’t clicking here
HORDE OF RACIST EGGS: [cacophony of immoral filth]
TWITTER: eliminate the looping video service
“Your resume says weaknesses: hide & seek”
Yeah
“Can you demonstrate?”
Sure, count to 10
*Counts to 10 & opens eyes*
*I’m literally on fire*
This is the one
Never make a promise you can’t reschedule.
Came home to find the couch had moved a few inches, and neither the dog nor the cat will look me in the eye now.
Him: What long nails you have!
Me: All the better to capture your DNA with if you murder me.
*dating is easy
What idiot called them “Female condoms” and not Estrojans?
I’ll do anything for you as long as I don’t have to get out of this chair.
[on the phone]
me: i let the cat out of the bag
sis: what??
me: …too early at the vet and she hid under the desk
sis: oh phew
me: then i spilled the beans
sis: what?!
me: …all over the floor at dinner
sis: omg ok
me: also i told mum you’re pregnant okiloveyoubye
Bad idea? Son, I got married in my 20s. Ideas don’t get any worse than that.
“felt cute might delete later lolz”
Imagine how difficult it would be if you had two colleagues, one called Ian and one called Iain, but Iain only had one eye.
I like to go on job interviews wearing an eye patch and switch eyes when the interviewer looks down.
After speaking with the psychiatrist, I’ve learned that “hungry” is in fact NOT an emotion. So I’m in the market for a new psychiatrist.
Me: Rest assured I will go to the grave with your secret.
Pat: Thank you.
Me: Unfortunately so will my golfing buddies.
AUNT: You look just like your dad.
ME: Thanks. We both use our eyes.
They’re a 10 but they use only the amount of garlic listed in the recipe.
me: it’s okay in my book
5: what book? can I see the book?
me: it’s hypothetical
5: what’s hypothetical mean?
me: well, um, hold on, there’s gotta be a book around here somewhere…
What is a ‘sexual prime’ and can I get it on Amazon?
The workers will arrive to install something in the kitchen. Let that sink in.