My 2-year-old refused to brush her teeth because a towel was in the wrong spot.
I calmly explained to her that the position of the towel didn’t matter and that she needed to brush her teeth no matter what.
Just kidding.
I moved the damn towel.
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Instead of smiling and nodding through a conversation, try clapping and nodding. People will stop talking to you.
50 years ago, nerds were smart. Now a nerd is just someone who likes Star Wars and eats a lot of cereal.
Like my wife always says, just because I’ve never seen it before doesn’t mean I didn’t lose it.
Everyone on twitter: (already terrified all of the time)
Mashable: [promoted tweet] This cute new robot can shudder and squirm through the underside of a closed door and inject heart-stopping drugs from ten feet away! 😍
I’ve been sleeping w my laundry for like 4 days
We are dating
to the spirits in my walls: going to the store be right back.
ashley: hey
ashleigh: heigh
I’m a dirty bird.
*shits on your windshield*
I may disagree with what you say, but I will defend to the death this little fort I made out of mashed potato with gravy as a moat and the carrots are cannons. Sorry, what were you saying?
[first day as a fireman]
So you’re telling me my arms will not be shooting fire?
I never realised how much of a fidget that I was until I was watching a movie and my fitbit told me that I only had 10 more steps for the entire hour…when I was sitting down the whole time
If you change your avi, I will assume you’ve stolen all your previous tweets from that other guy.
Mensa should be calling any day now.
Spider: what do you mean I don’t qualify??
Army Recruiter: look buddy, this isn’t the leggy
*works from home*
*files claim for hostile work environment*
[first date]
him: I love an outdoorsy kind of girl who’s also dirty in bed.
me: * trying to impress* I once slept with a hobo who lives in the woods.
watching seinfeld on netflix, recalling the time in india when a seinfeld episode came on my host family’s tv and i said “ooh everyone watch this, this is my culture” and it was the one where george’s fiancee dies from licking all the wedding envelopes and they were horrified
Hurricane. It’s fine.
Broken foot. Still fine.
Anemic, arthritic, slow walking dog who refuses to go in the backyard so must be walked through nature’s hissy fit. Totally fine.
Coffee maker not working. EXTREMELY NOT FINE.
“What’s the worst that can happen?”
Buddy I’ve got anxiety, I’ll make you a list
My son came home from golfing & took the longest nap. When he woke up, he said, “I took a total Dad nap. I’m going to make the best Dad!”
Something tells me his future wife will not agree with this.
Most guys propose with a diamond but if you’re really smart give her an onion ring that way if she says no you still have a snack.
[police interrogation]
“What do you do for a living?”
“Drug dealer.”
“Louder, for the tape.”
[leans in]
“Bug healer. I heal bugs.”
Meme Monday.
wife: that’s a turtle with our daughter’s face on it
me: I searched the whole casino
My IUD provides me with 99% birth control effectiveness, but my husband’s dirty socks on the floor comes in at an impressive 100%.
[when someone likes me]
*eyes narrow* but I don’t even like me
the only difference between a hoarder and a collector is the smell
Me: What are you doing?
Wife: One of those online trivia things…tells you what Disney Princess you are.
Me: I’ll save you the trouble…You’re whichever one is Frozen.
Wife:
If you’re being attacked don’t yell ”HELP” yell ”FREE CUPCAKES”
My wife is listening to an ad about chainsaws. I’m worried.
My daughter dries dishes like she is a rich lady in the witness protection program trying to integrate into a small midwestern town.