My friend takes things for granite because she didn’t finish high school
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at the salon thinking of going darker for winter
maybe i’ll kill the shampoo girl
* flips hair, potato chip falls out *
I packed workout clothes and nutritious snacks for a vacation and my suitcase can’t stop laughing
Okay you guys, I’m gonna distract Twitter with an internal server error. When I do, make a run for it and get your life back.
prepare for carbonated trouble
a bug flew in my mouth today and that’s probably the healthiest thing I’ve eaten all week
Lucy in the Sky with Some Splainin’ to Do.
Give a dad a fish and save him a trip to Costco.
Teach a dad to fish and you can throw wild parties while he’s away on fishing weekends.
B
If you say “no ifs, ands, or buts”, then get ready for a shitload of “shoulds”, “as well as”, and “howevers”.
My toddler growls every time someone says she’s cute and now I can finally say something about parenting has given me joy
my fav brides on Say Yes To The Dress are the ones who come in wanting a specific dress but don’t call ahead to see if it’s in stock and are like sooo shocked it’s not there. Baby!!! it’s your wedding dress!!! I’ve called bakeries to make sure they have a cinnamon roll in stock
I love when you stroke my ego.
My ego is inside my panties.
Me: Shhh, your brother is still sleeping.
4yo: *runs upstairs
CRASH
JUMP
“Wake up!”
SLAM
*runs back downstairs
“No, he’s not.”
how long are you supposed to age potato salad in the sun?
Before you react, just know that everyone’s is fighting a battle you know nothing about. Literally everyone.
Dave’s out back punching a hornet’s nest. Monica’s wrestling her grandma in the bathroom.
Nobody knows why. It’s absolute chaos.
It’s not just sex, I’d love to get to know you better. For example, tell me how you’d like to go home, bus or taxi?
A bar and a bra , both drive men crazy when they open .
Aaaa…CHOO!
Tonight’s parenting lesson:
If a 2-year-old says, “I’m going to puke,” FOR THE LOVE OF GOD DON’T CALL HER BLUFF.
I need a shower.
I’m a single dad of 2 pre-teens so naturally at times there are talks of running away; but I don’t
Mathematics was simple until they added English to it
[home late]
Where were you?
“Uh, with my.. gf?”
Gf? Well, tell us about her! What’s her name?
[commercial on tv] uh.. Lisa.. Brandnewtoyota
Of course, because I’m wearing a white shirt, my coffee chose violence.
I am bringing 21 tamales to Thanksgiving because it’s the year 2021 and also because I ate three of them already.
My coworker Gwynn broke her leg slipping on ice and didn’t even laugh when I called her Pain-Gwynn
My 3 year old daughter lost screen time for misbehavior, and now she keeps trying to talk to me.
Well-played, kid. Well-played.
Does anyone know how to save your game on twitter I’ve been playing for 2 years straight my mom is pissed
How To Avoid Dating
●You’re too young for me.
●I’m too young for you.
●I don’t date men my age.
●Okay, but after I finish my antibiotics.
Oh hey mom. Yeah the date went fine, I think she liked my jorts bc she kept glancing at them