Life is not a sprint, it’s a Marathon gas station that’s always out of your favorite drink and someone is always in the restroom when you need to go.
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No haunted houses for me this year. If I wanna be frightened I’ll just look at my 401k.
cop: this flat earther was ran over by a steamroller
detective: i guess you could say it’s [puts on sunglasses] really bright outside today
At the store- I better pick up a can of black beans. I’m not sure if there’s any at home.
Putting groceries away- Shit, I already had 8 cans of black beans.
Police say a man was found lying dead on his couch and wrapped in a blanket. Apparently there were signs of a snuggle.
Love how Gatorade “flavors” are like “icy charge” and “Cascade crash” and “Arctic blitz” instead of things that would even remotely indicate what you’re about to taste
If they ever invent time travel my dad would still insist on leaving early to avoid traffic
This morning the cat gently nudged my sleep mask off of my eyes at exactly 7:30 AM, an adorable – but ultimately unacceptable – development.
Million dollar idea: A nightclub for middle aged people with lots of chairs.
Andrew Garfield implies the existence of Andrew Nermal and Andrew Odie
Mark Zuckerberg came up with the idea for Facebook when he was at a party & a racist uncle wrote a bible quote on a painting then poked him
My daughter said she hates Jon Bon Jovi’s voice and now I’m wondering who switched my baby at the hospital
WHY?!
[speed dating]
HER: I guess I’m just looking for someone who’s like my father
ME [trying to impress]: a bunny’s favorite music is hip hop
If you’ve never said “I love you too” in a way that sounds a tad bit angry, then you must not have kids you are trying to put to bed.
My kid is really into Animorphs, so I think he is going to love whatever The Human Centipede is.
A woman just called me ugly and the only thing I could think to say back was “only on the inside”.
Some people lean in for a kiss like they’re trying to lick spreadable cheese out of a jar.
(1st day in heaven)
Angel: STOP ASKING EVERYBODY WHAT THEY DIED OF
[getting murdered]
“Listen, I make a badass grilled cheese if this can wait?”
*learning CPR*
CPR dummy: I have a boyfriend.
Don’t donate your plasma. It’s a big scam and they’re just using it to make TVs.
funny how dumbass pet animals will eat the same thing every day without realizing that Subway® offers over 19 different ways to Eat Fresh™
Just yelled “F, YOU GUYS!” to my students.
Another perk of being a music teacher…
*wakes up*
*looks at clock*7:42 am
*gets out of bed*
*remembers it’s Saturday*
*smiles*
*lies back down*Dog: “Oh good, you’re up!”
Yes aunty, I do like jello. And, of course, I adore feta . Why did you have to combine them
Being an adult is cool because sometimes your back hurts and other times a different part of your back hurts
Dear commercial,
If my family follows your advice and gives me Fitbit or exercise gear for Mother’s Day, prepare yourself for a lawsuit.
I haven’t read a single History book that explains how Asians got out of their Pokeballs.
If being chased by an alligator be sure to run in a zigzag pattern so he can get in his cardio before ultimately catching and killing you.
One time my dad got mad at hulk hogan and yelled “YOURE WASTING SHIRTS” at the TV