I once put a cigarette out on someone’s arm for telling me that we didn’t evolve from giant centipedes. I graduated college, I know things.
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Look, Facebook, I don’t care that someone has “added to their story” unless they’re posting from the trunk of a car.
Dating app: If you were a bird, what kind of bird would you be?
Me: I’d be a subway pigeon or one of those crows that eats mostly garbage
Not to brag but I already took down the Easter Tree
The older I get, the more sympathize with Squidward’s anger.
Hiring a sky writer to remind my wife about the time I emptied the dishwasher.
Weird how all salons are closed on Sundays, yet if you can convincingly fake a heart attack, paramedics will shave your chest-hair for free.
i type in all lowercase because i hate capitalism
You don’t love me. You just love my Looney Tunes jean jacket
> be 28
> mom tells me to get a job
> put on Braveheart face paint
> run into kitchen
> scream FREEDOM
> mom tells me to get a girlfriend
“I love potatoes! They are delicious and so versatile. If only they could get me laid…”
-how vodka was born
Again Mr Jovi,
Please stop mailing us bible verses. You cannot continue living on a prayer. We require an actual mortgage payment.
Beth on Facebook “Can’t believe its Monday again already”… if only there were some way for her to calculate the order in which days occur.
When an object reveals that it has some biological similarities to you don’t get so hung up on that phrasing. To me as in we are alike? To me as in I am its recipient in an exchange? One of your aloof scientist deadpan friends has started to freak out about the garage sale.
[polygraph test]
Tester: Have you ever committed a crime?
Me: Committed, or been caught?
Tester: …
Me: That was just a joke. Many people consider me quite witty.
*needle goes crazy*
“I want to swim with an overweight, rich white guy before I die.”
– Dolphin bucket list.
It’s been a horrible day. This morning my ex got ran over by a fed ex truck. Then I lost my job at fed ex.
My son just said he’s going to call me “Squishy” to match my stomach and now I need to have another kid just so I can have a favorite
I once snuck my cat into a grocery store just to show him what a lazy hunter I am.
I hired a person to randomly show up throughout the day and put baskets of bread on my desk.
Imagine you are genuinely trying to recover from a major surgery and you just have your social media and PR team coming in with increasingly worse news
Pouring a bucket of white marbles into the hippo pen will result in a lifetime ban from the zoo no matter how hungry they looked.
Tween and me: *arguing*
Husband: God, you two are just like each other.
Tween and me: WHAT’D YOU SAY?
Husband: *jumps out window*
When someone pisses me off, I plan my revenge in my head.
Then I realize how long that will take and I take a nap instead.
Her: I love you
Me: What’d I do now?
Her: Nothing. I just love you
Me: OK, what’d you do?
Her: Nothing
Me: FOR GODSAKE TELL ME WHO DID WHAT
“Your scientists were so preoccupied with whether they could, they didn’t stop to think if they should.”
Good boy 😂😂
Get in loser, we are going dumpster diving.
Breakfast: 200 calories
Lunch: 500 calories
Dinner: 800 calories
Snack before bed: 15,000 calories
me: i guess you could say i’m “livin the dream” lol
teacher: sure but why the one where you show up to school naked
Used ACME paint on an accent wall and now there’s a highway running through my living room.