The opposite of self-deprecating humor is accounting.
Instead of making jokes at your own expense, you makes jokes about other people’s expenses.
#AccountingDay #RubbishJokes
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I was 16 when I first saw a dream-catcher, but back then everyone called them school careers advisors
[High School Reunion]
Him: I started my own Law Firm last year
Me: It took 2 months, but I convinced my wife Space Jam was a true story
Me: Did you look in your purse?
Her: OF COURSE I LOOKED IN MY PURSE, I’M NOT AN IDIOT!
Me:
Her: [looking in purse] You’re not going to believe this…
Reminder to any new followers…Ancestry.com is NOT a dating site…lesson learned…like 4 times.
just had a dinosaur that we didn’t make show up at our front gate
Interviewer: What were you doing during this two-year gap on your résumé?
Me: Downloading a software upgrade on my iPhone.
Boy, did The Shining nail what it’s like being an only child.
*STUDYING FOR JOB INTERVIEW*
•Never criticize your former employer
•Maintain eye contact
•Be positive*JOB INTERVIEW*
INTERVIEWER: Tell me about yourself.
ME: I worshiped my previous boss, *leans in close*
and we live in a world of limitless beauty.
Lance isn’t a common name now, but in Medieval times guys were named Lance a lot.
The hiring manager calling me for an interview just said uhm about 300 times. Does that mean I got the job?
[Enter password: ] MyPeeeeeeeeenis
[Error: password too long]
*high fives my laptop right off the desk*
My kids act like they’re afraid of monsters, when they are literally the most terrifying creatures I’ve ever met.
“Chest, chest, chest and chest, chest and chest” – T-Rex singing “Head, shoulders, knees and toes”.
when you see my three typing dots linger there for a long time just know I’m fighting an epic battle with autocorrect
Imagine having chills and then imagine those very chills multiplying. That’s what life is like for John Travolta
DUI checkpoint cop: sir, have u been drinking tonight
me: define sir
*stands up fast
weeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee
How to stop checking someone’s Facebook page:
1. Delete your Facebook profile
2. Break your phone
3. Give away your laptop
4. Die
Tony Hawk Pro Skater implies the existence of an evil, parallel dimension Tony Hawk Anti Skater.
Him: Do you have any food in your purse?
Me: I call it my Snack pocket. My snocket.
Him: Not all words need to be-
Me: ALL OPTIONS SHOULD BE EXPLORED DO YOU WANT THIS Ziplock OF WARM BABY CARROTS OR NOT?
Me, to myself: I am a strong and independent woman. I’m perfectly capable of doing things by myself.
Me, to my toddler: I’m calling Santa.
Tbh I don’t even wanna know what they did
VICTIM: First time murdering? I have a suggestion.
ME (sharpening my gun): Go on.
The boy is putting whipped cream on the cat. I think he may have overheard a conversation he didn’t understand quite so well.
Me: Can you call my phone so I can find it?
Teen: UUGGHH. Can’t I just text you?
Narrator: She found her phone. After 387 text messages.
My dog just looked me in the eye and said “no one is gonna believe you”, then took a nap.
I think I’m about six months away from the perfect ‘before’ picture.
My dad went from “no man is good enough for my little girl” to “would you just pick one already? Jobs aren’t even that important” real quick
While in restaurants as a kid, my parents would pay by credit card in a machine that looked like it could take your finger off
A forest fire is the world’s way of adding black trees to the forest community.