Sorry I can’t make it to your party this weekend, but I’m busy not wanting to come.
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Getting married at 22 sounds a lot like leaving a party at 9:30pm.
Netflix: *30 seconds into an Adam Sandler comedy* Are you still watching?
I was craving BBQ for dinner but my wife ordered Chinese. She showed a wonton disregard for my feelings.
I like the idea of almond milk, but then I can’t get the image out of my head of someone milking a nut.
When texting a girl “will you marry me” what’s the best emoji to use?
[reading an e-book]
ME: Nice.[reading an eeeEeeeeEeeeee-book]
DOLPHIN: Nice.
[Romeo and Juliet as turtles]
ROMEO: Death hath sucked the honey of thy breath
JULIET: I’m just stuck on my back
R: we’re turtles, Juliet
Deep thought: When turkey police draw chalk outlines around the body do they notice how much it looks like a human hand?
Winnie the Pooh is an addict who doesn’t wear pants and lives in the woods. If he were a person, he’d be the first suspect in every crime.
publisher: how do you expect me to sell a book where you spend three chapters describing a doorknob?
jrr tolkien: it’s an important doorknob
Not to brag but I’m an expert at using laundry to accessorize the living room
Everybody loves a foam finger. Unless you’re sitting behind a very energetic child wearing one at a ballgame.
Hey girl, are you the week-old leftover Chinese food I ate for lunch because you are not agreeing with me.
HIM: *turning the heat down* You have the heat too high!
HER: *turning it up* No, YOU have the heat too LOW!
MARRIAGE COUNSELOR: Stop that, this is my office.
Instructions that say “keep at room temperature” are stupid because they never tell you which room.
Me: I love peanuts but can’t be bothered chewing them.
Peanut butter salesman: Oh boy, have I got the thing for you!
uh oh we better all stand up for the old man in the dress who bangs a tiny hammer down or he might decide that we have to live in a cage
A wise Chinese man once said,
“If a dog barks it’s undercooked”
Turns out inside one of the IKEA sofa boxes was actually a marriage counselor.
I have a type: disappointing
There I was, quietly reliving my dream of having my own house, when suddenly I was attacked by insane prices.
ME: *whispering to date as symphony orchestra begins playing beethoven’s 5th* can you believe a dog wrote this
i’m the girl your mom warned you about… long nails, big eyes, purple tongue, green skin. i’m reptar. i’m reptar from rugrats.
(home depot)
frosty: so…i hear this is where I can find a snowblower
Me: so you want me to buy all the presents.
Santa: yes.
Me: put them together?
Santa: yep.
Me: wrap them up?
Santa: that’s right.
Me: and then tell my kids you got the presents for them?
Santa:
Me:
Santa: I mean when you say it like that it sounds bad.
[dog catches me bringing a box of fireworks in the house]
Me: Oh hey buddy, this isn’t what it looks like, okay.
*playing a California Raisins record for a friend* Pretty good right? These are raisins playing all the instruments
philosophy professor: you must question everything
[later]
me: *grabs lamp and shakes it* what have you been doing all day, you piece of shit
Anyone who has to spend more than 2 mins at an ATM is obvilously sending a text to Optimus Prime
We’ve got to stop looking at legumes and thinking “I could milk that”