I prefer science to religion, as the former doesn’t seem to grow vengeful and jealous when refused attention.
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I got a 20% pay rise this year. Not from my employer; they couldn’t afford to give pay rises after the big bosses got their bonuses. I just stopped doing any work on the one day a week I work from home.
Puts fitbit on dogs collar. Throws the ball around. Sits on the couch and eat chips. Wins all the challenges
Was thinking of going to go to the gym and run 9 miles this morning so that I can look gud in college….but then I remembered I have TikTok filters 😉
#nofilter
I bet you could move to the UK and start calling people a, “bleeding tea cozy mop ringer” and it would eventually catch on
Them: What is your favorite thing to go hiking with?
Me: My car.
Me at 18: I’ll sleep when I’m dead.
Me at 34: If I don’t get some sleep, I’m going to die.
Who decided to call it a muffin top and not a belly donut?
I was really getting my act together–eating right, exercising regularly, looking hot, feeling strong, and doing good work. Then I woke up.
damn girl are you calculus because I have no idea what youre talking about
me as a parent
Did you know that if you squint at a cat and it squints back, it’s the cat’s way of saying “What the f are you looking at?!”
I mistakenly opened a bag of chips and now I have to eat them, so yes, there is such a thing as a fun problem
Cake is better than sex because cavities are better than babies
When I saw Oprah interview Michelle Obama, Oprah asked how Michelle got over feeling intimidated sitting at big tables filled with smart, powerful men and Michelle said, “You realize pretty quickly that a lot of them aren’t that smart.” I think about that quote every single day.
[CSI at Starbucks]
“Ma’am you’ve been robbed. Suspect is at large.”
Barista: At what?
“At large”
At what?
“At venti?”
OMG HOW AWFUL!!!
My kids love taking turns. For example, they take turns pushing down the garbage so neither one of them has to take it out.
Auditioning for a commercial:
Me: Mmm. So delicious. I don’t believe it’s not butter.
Director: Cut, cut! It’s can’t. The word is can’t. Ok? And action.
Me: Mmm. So delicious. I don’t believe it’s not can’t.
Neighborhood so sketchy, Santa removes the reins from his sleigh and carries them in with him.
How to handle a one night stand the next morning:
1. Put on Titanic
2. He’s gone, that’s it
Thailand started 2020 with a major plastic bag ban so now Thais have made it a trend to put their shoppings in random things & i’m living for it LMFAO
ME: So did you go to a Hivey League school lol?
MY ALLERGIST: Get out.
My husband is out w/friends & I’m at home w/the kids. I’m going to sprinkle Legos under the covers on his side of the bed.
Twitter remains undefeated
When I said I was a “first responder” I meant that I am quick to send the thumbs up emoji in the family text thread.
when adam driver cut his arm in marriage story my mom said “hemorrhage story” and I thought that was a pretty good one
I need a new maid, because the current one sucks. Also, she’s me.
FIRST KID: I’d rather not medicate her.
SUBSEQUENT CHILDREN: *Googles, “How much Benadryl will make her sleep for three days straight?”*
doctor: here’s your x-ray
me: ew I look ugly in this one delete it take another
Hi you’ve reached my voicemail, this is by far one of the absolute worst ways to get in touch with me….leave a message.
Marvel are too COWARDLY to answer the REAL question: how many spiders can fit in one man