If you eat french fries and then drink a milkshake, every time you burp it will taste like a donut. Please continue following me on the twitter dot com for more life inspiration.
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[Listening to Natalie Imbruglia’s ‘Torn’ while warm, unashamed, standing fully clothed on the ceiling] I can’t relate to this
If you get the Wordle in 5 while a toddler is screaming at you it counts as getting the Wordle in 1.
Sometimes I think about Adam and Eve and how they couldn’t even get a babysitter.
There’s a lady at work named Lillian Llewellyn who carries a briefcase and I like to imagine it falling open and spilling a bunch of L’s
I always cut my 6 pack rings so they don’t choke any dolphins. If I’m gonna choke a dolphin, it’ll be with my bare hands.
When they say “all expenses paid” does that include bail?
My 4yo asked for a skeleton to sleep in her room with her, in case you’re wondering the level of freak show I can inspire
KID: can i eat a tide pod
MOM: no
KID: this is bullshit
MOM: don’t use foul language go wash your mouth out with soap this instant
Guys, the best way to keep your SO happy is to let her think she’s smarter than you, if you’re on Twitter she probably is anyway.
ME: gimme a beer with a thick head
BARTENDER: you got it
BEER: did you know vaccine’s cause autism?
Putting an ‘e’ at the end of words (ie Pointe, Crowne) makes something fancy as shite.
My 8 year old son got a Wonka Bar for Christmas. His friend said that he didn’t know they sold them in real life & my son said of course they Oompa loompa doompety doo.
FORTUNE COOKIE: The next play you see will blow your mind!
ABE LINCOLN: is that good
FRIEND: What’s the movie, where they bring that monster to life and then have to destroy it?
[at the same time]
HER: Frankenstein.
ME: Frosty the Snowman.
Princess Peach has been kidnapped so often, I’m beginning to think she might be Liam Neeson’s daughter.
I’m a comedian the way a potato is a battery
[NYE]
ME: *wearing 2017 glasses*
OPTOMETRIST: *rubbing his temples* Stephanie your eyesight may be bad but you really only need one pair
The answer, my friend, is actually blowing in the wind plus 23.
If you were a tree you’d be a bonsai, and if you were mine you’d be dead by now.
It’s wildly known that all the great artists of the renaissance era loved eating pizza in sewers.
This going into the office stuff blows. Like, I seriously have to wear clothes now.
If you have a “Welcome” mat, but call the cops when you find me eating nachos on your couch in my underwear, you’re sending mixed signals
The rare times my cat comes to me for affection, I run and hide under the bed, so she knows what that feels like.
{Antiques Roadshow}
APPRAISER: This is from IKEA.ME: Yes.
APPRAISER:
ME: I still have the extra screws. If that matters.
interviewer: do you feel like you have grown as a person?
me: ok well I was literally like a foot tall when I was born
told someone “my scrubs are made from cotton but i’m made of boyfriend material” then they blocked me immediately
Caution: Cutting corners may lead to extra corners.
I can’t feel my face when I’m with you, but I love it.
Doctor: This is your third Botox appointment. That wasn’t even funny the first time.
Yes I have strong principles, no they do not guide my behavior in any way. And that’s Valid.