This year for Halloween I’m putting my kids in a giant bowl on the front step with a sign that says Please Take One.
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I’m won’t try to steal your man but I might try to steal your sandwich
Waiter: black pepper?
Me: sure
Waiter: say when
Me: [remembering I have large investments in numerous peppercorn plantations] haha sure
The American flags on the moon have been bleached white from 44 years of solar radiation. If aliens ever attack, we’ve already surrendered.
[pet store]
me: are the birds expensive?
employee: they’re going cheap
me: I know how they work
Hot single dads in your area AREN’T WORKING 60 HOURS A WEEK FOR YOU TO AIR CONDITION THE WHOLE NEIGHBORHOOD SHUT THE GODDAMN DOOR.
My son is suspended?
Yes, in-school suspension.
So he goes to school?
Yes, but he’s suspended.
Suspended IN THE SCHOOL?
Yes.
Idiot.
If I don’t come when you call my name just rattle a bag of chips
i don’t think the t-rex’s arms were that small i just think a frustrated paleontologist grabbed two bones and lied
*survives trip to grocery store
*checks in as “safe” on Facebook
Corona has showed me that if we had a zombie virus outbreak, we’d all be zombies within 2 weeks.
Password security questions be like: What’s your middle name? Why are you single? What’s wrong with your big toe?
You can’t offend me I have teenagers.
[1868]
*forgets cup of coffee on top of horse*
He who understands women, dies under mysterious circumstances…
“Come out of your shell” they said
*2 minutes later*
“Back in the shell… BACK IN THE SHELL!!!”
In the garden centre and a woman’s screaming:
“DON’T PUT YOUR FINGER IN THAT VENUS FLY TRAP AGAIN JOHN!”
Everyone looks over expecting a child and there’s John, 70, with his finger in a Venus fly trap.
WIFE: It’s great having kids, isn’t it?
ME: Oh yeah, it’s the best
W: How long until they go to bed?
ME: 4 hours, 17 minutes & 26 seconds
Self awareness can be great but it likes to roast the shit out of you when you try to sleep
His arrival was foretold in the ancient murals.
The person ahead of me paid for my Starbucks at drive-thru, and I was so excited about it I drove off without my drink.
Witness: I saw the defendant stabbing the victim.
Lawyer: Objection! Witness is ugly!
Judge: Sustained. Jury will disregard the statement.
Me: “Hey Siri, I nee-…”
Siri: “Nice try, humanoid. The women warned me. I have a boyfriend.”
avoided the guys with the white uniforms and human sized nets again so yeah it was a decent day
God: *brings ribs to the wedding feast*
Adam: That’s not funny.
Jesus [on the cross]: I hope you guys make some cool necklaces about this
back in the day, my idiot friends and i used to pump our right fists in the air and say “right arm” instead of “right on” my god how are we still alive
Check out this image, then fill in the blank:
“All these two cared about was ____________”Finish the sentence here:
📷: elevasseur
*First hour into camping with my family with no phone*
I have 2 kids?!
When I see guys with skinny jeans and skin tight T’s on I pretend they are actual giants who woke up tiny and just had nothing else to wear.
I’ve been on my best behavior ever since the words “you can be charged as an adult” applied to me