My kid criticized my handwriting on her birthday card so yes, all those hours of drug-free labor were totally worth it.
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Look, just because Jeff Bezos looks like Lex Luthor & acts like Lex Luthor, doesn’t…uh oh.
I put energy drinks in the hummingbird feeder. It’s for science.
after my son won his soccer game, his teammate invited us over to celebrate. it was father, son, and the goalie host
VILLAIN: *Stroking cat* I’ve been expec-
BOND: OMG your kitty is so cute! Can I pet him?!
V:*Whining* Tiiim, you said this was intimidating!
TONIGHT ON HOUSE HUNTERS
*extremely Australian accent*
This here house is one of the most deadly in the world. Imma poke it with a stick
My 8yo told me she wants me to live forever which was sweet until I told her I’d run out of money and she replied “ok nevermind”.
Having a tan is attractive. Having skin sponsored by Doritos isn’t.
[driving]
WIFE: gross, did you see the roadkill back there?
ME [scared]: did i see the road kill what?
Finally, I can just walk around every day covered in feathers.
Apparently, starting an impromptu game of leap frog with somebody bending over to tie their shoe is considered rude.
Church is boring.
[a 2nd grade classroom 5 yrs from now]
TEACHER: Khaleesi M, please leave Khaleesi S alone. Khaleesi T, I still need your permission slip
Target had a credit card breach? But only with in-store purchases, not online? More proof you’re better off staying home with no pants on.
4 said he went potty and I asked if it was number one or number two. He said number 7, and now I’m terrified to go into the bathroom.
the divorce rate among my socks is astonishing
18 hasn’t had a haircut since the start of the pandemic, yesterday he let 20 cut his hair so he could donate it, today the post office lady asked what I was sending and I said a ponytail and not another word, anyway, I’m expecting to be on a list by end of day.
ARSONIST: I will be the firefighter’s greatest enemy.
GUY WHO PUTS CATS IN TREES: I will also be that.
[gets bit by spider]
[I don’t get powers]
[spider suddenly becomes tired & instantly hates Peppa Pig]
I dunno when it stopped, but I’m kinda pissed that no one celebrates and gives me a sticker when I shit anymore
If you run out of milk for your coffee just use cheese. Dairy is dairy. Stop making me solve all of your problems
The last couple years haven’t been ALL bad. Just look at the repertoire of potato-based coping strategies you’ve developed
Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me between 2 and 50 times and you’re my 5yo getting out of bed at night.
My doctor said I need to drink more water every day, so I have started putting ice cubes in my vodka.
When I said you had a “serial killer face” I had meant it as a compliment, Like, you look like you are very ambitious is what I meant.
You can always predict what antigay protesters will say. But never how they’ll spell it.
My hot pink mouth is wide open for you, sugar.
Donut: ….
Therapist: Why did you bring a lawyer to a therapy session?
My lawyer: You don’t have to answer that
Fit Bit: ‘Keep going!’
Recliner: ‘Trust your feelings.’
If you’re ever interested in having a near death experience just tell a girl she’s not hot enough to be that crazy.
ME: my car makes weird whispering noises…also the doors lock by themselves & blood comes out the CD player
MECHANIC: must be the spark plugs
Me: Please stop asking me a question every five seconds. I just want to sit on this couch and rest.
Therapist: Umm…you do know where you are, right?
Me: AGAIN with the questions!!