Your wife is beautiful, is she single?
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Me: Let’s get a library card.
Her: It’s too expensive.
M: They’re FREE, dummy.
[1 year later]
*receives bill for $190 in late fees*
Music can transport us, like when I sang “Baby Shark” so loud at Applebees my date got me an Uber.
Which wines pair best with gloating?
[homocide scene]
DETECTIVE:”my god, in my 25 years on the force i’ve never seen a dead ghost.”
COP:”sir?, we covered the body with a sheet.”
The hot chocolate mustache stays on during sex
The recipe said “Set the oven to 180 degrees,” so I did, but now I can’t open it because the door faces the wall.
fool me once shame on you. fool me twice shame on me. fool me a third time this is a pretty good scam can i get in on it
Let’s not forget the true meaning of Thanksgiving, the day Jesus chased all the turkeys out of the Temple.
What do you mean 100 іsn’t a perfect credіt score
I bought my husband of 21 years a sweatshirt and I stole it from him and that’s how we keep our marriage fresh
getting a nose ring so i don’t lose my keys
God: you’re a dove.
Dove: ok.
God: do you know what that means?
Dove: white pigeon?
God: what-no it means I’ve chosen you to represent my Holy Spirit.
Dove: [scared] g-ghost pigeon?
AC changed “self-love” to “seldom love.” So my phone and I are now in couples therapy.
The problem of guns in schools would be eliminated if society finally had the courage to outlaw schools.
I always bring luggage when visiting my mom because I know she’ll send me on a guilt trip
*books 90 minute massage*
Me: DON’T TOUCH ME. I’m only here for the nap.
My neighbor just told me “I’m going on a date with a new guy tonight. I think he’s in a cult. Still better than the biter.” Every married person should have a single friend who’s still on the apps, the divorce rate would approach zero
dear god make me a bird so I can fly. fly far far away and also so I can poop on people
I was in line at the bank when a man got pulled from the queue and escorted out by security, just for having sleeve tattoos depicting flames.
Apparently they don’t allow fire arms in the building.
This green smoothie tastes like God wants me to be fat.
If Keenan and Kel decide
That they both are satisfied
And illuminate the no
On their Good Burger sign
[hiking]
ME: I’m so tired
MOUNTAIN: please sit on my face
HIM: [gravely voice] I hunt vampires by night
ME: Wouldn’t it be easier during the day?
HIM: I have to go now
Cat Negotiator: Ok, so we’ll shit in a box in your house and you will clean it up
Humans: And you will be a loyal friend
Cat: hahahaha sure
“Just be patient, Liam. The dude in the Tahoe is a heart attack waiting to happen.”
Him: Where’d you get that black eye?
Me: My girlfriend gave it to me.
Him: I thought your girlfriend was out of town.
Me: I did too…
[Shipwreck Diary]
Day 29: worried I’m losing track of time
Day 4: nope. I’m fine
My gf wants us to try couples counseling and I said we should use my therapist bc he already knows what’s wrong with her
PERSONAL TRAINER: so how much do you bench?
ME: a fair bit but I usually bed or sofa.
Just found a pot of houmous by the side of the road