The class where i learned absolutly nothing and dont remember anything
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Oh, you don’t have sex on the first date? How about on the last date?
I have three higher degrees and yet I just opened a bottle of fizzy water that’s been in my rucksack all day on the bus, proving once again that academic prowess has absolutely no correlation to intelligence
I just did 5 crunches trying to get out of my lazy boy. When is it my turn to play aquaman
wish there was an edit option when d atm shows ur account balance!
The best thing about owning a Smart Car is when it gets dirty, you can just put it in the dishwasher.
I get it crossfitters, if I did that I’d be angry, too.
I just saw a woman with a “Dog Mom” bumper sticker. And while the kid in the back seat wasn’t great looking, I still thought it was kinda harsh.
9yo: Mom, what did you do before you had kids?
Me: Slept in.
someone brought a box of lemons to work and emailed out saying “there’s lemons” and now every one has a lemon on their desk. why
Leonardo DiCaprio playing me in the movie of my life, but in the scene where I’m watching Titanic, it’s me playing him.
Me [murdering the last vampire] it’s the final count down!
What
Flash mobs are so not what I thought. Now I’ve gotta go find my clothes.
{hears husband calling out from the shower. Son walks in room.}
Me: Hey Bubby, what did Daddy say?
Son: He says he loves you.
Me: No really, what did he say?
Son: He says he’d love you to get him a towel.
Me: Yeah, now that sounds about right.
My wife after pulling weeds… I want a goat
Me: You gotta get dressed, kiddo, we’re leaving soon.
7yo:
Me: Get dressed, please.
7yo:
Me: Please get dressed.
7yo:
Me: Hurry up and get dressed.
7yo:
Me: Put your clothes on.
7yo:
Me: We have to leave in 3 minutes!
7yo:
Me: GET DRESSED RIGHT NOW!!!!!
7yo: Ok! Don’t yell at me!
I bet to vampires we all just look like giant Capri Suns.
Yesterday my son told me I was the funniest person he knows which was so sweet. Then he asked for twenty dollars.
Monday: Greg
Tuesday: Ian
Wednesday: Greg
Thursday: Ian
Friday: Greg
Gregorian Calendar.
Me looking a movie I hated up on Rotten Tomatoes to make sure other people hated it too
@funTweeters “Bird Box 2” 2019. Rated:R. Run time: 6 minutes 11 seconds. Plot: Nightmarish aliens who invaded Earth and have killed, or forced into hiding, most of the population commit mass suicide after encountering the one force they didn’t count on…Chuck Norris.
#WhenIMisspelled ya know.
23 year old me
*camps out for two days for tickets to Nirvana
48 year old me
*Wouldn’t walk across the street to see The Beatles
At the store & asked for 50 condoms. 2 girls behind me started laughing. I turned around & looked them in the eyes and said, “Make it 52”
*travels back in time to kill Hitler as a baby* *becomes known as time-traveling baby murderer & history’s greatest monster*
Her: *raises glass* to poor life choices
Me: I’d prefer if you said ‘happy anniversary’.
I’m slightly concerned my answer for everything is masturbation. Can’t sleep? Masturbate. Poor? Masturbate. Lost the remote? Go for it.
“Fake news,” I whisper to myself, as the scale shows I gained another pound.
iPhone 8 is like your ex coming back after a year saying they changed, you give them another a chance and realize they’re basically the same
The devil.