I was really embarrassed when my wife caught me playing with my son’s train set by myself. In a moment of panic, I threw a bedsheet over it.
I think I managed to cover my tracks.
#HatDadJoke
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This wouldn’t be taking so long if they used the metric system for counting.
My phone refuses to recognize that Transatlanticism is a word. Do you know how hard it is to get through that word without predictive text. And I talk about Transatlanticism a LOT
I’m sorry my dog nipped your ankles, but in all fairness you do have squirrels on your socks.
*finds a sock behind the washing machine*
*plays loud dramatic romantic music as I reunite two socks*
TIDE: Hey, where ya goin’?
MOON: Oh, um, I’m just gonna go over here.
TIDE: Okay cool I’ll come too.
MOON: No, no, that’s fine…
TIDE: This is fun, ilu so much.
MOON: That’s nice, I’m actually gonna go back to where I was.
TIDE: omg that’s amazing, me too.
Why do people say “meteoric rise”? You know, meteors…those space rocks that famously don’t go up?
I love that spiderman sits like that. That’s not a spider thing. Spiders don’t do that. But spiderman does.
One time I got so mad at capitalism I paid off all my credit cards
The pandemic has made it nearly impossible for me to get piggyback rides from strangers, so I’m really over it.
My therapist: oh my socks are loose
Me:
Me: are you feeling shrinky?
This is my emotional support online shopping cart
Honestly, my biggest fear about becoming a zombie is all the socializing.
The paper defeats rock explanation that the paper will wrap around the rock has always been lame. The rock is just as dangerous with paper wrapped around it; it is not defeated.
COACH: [to player with head injury]: What year is it?
PLAYER: 2020.
COACH: Correct. Who is the president?
PLAYER: I don’t know.
COACH: Also correct.
Don’t call me “Dad”, please call me by my professional title, “Half-Eaten Food Connoisseur Broken Toy Engineer Butt-Wipeologist”.
moses: watch me split the red sea in half
red sea: i’ve got a boyfriend
Stealing endorsements is not how you become the president of the United States, homie. Leave my name out ya mouth…
Well, like I said to my television the other day. “How can these people be so stupid?!?”
The heat has gotten so bad on the East Coast that it’s now routine to see large men wiping their brows with slightly smaller, drier men.
Babe are you okay? You’ve only opened one of your Amazon packages
Him: “I feel-”
Me: “I FEEL IT TOO. IT’S JUST LIKE PHOEBE SAID. YOU’RE MY LOBSTER.”
Him: “-gassy.”
Nurse drawing her fifth vial of blood:
Almost done.Me: I’d hope. You gonna run tests or frame me for murder?
I have an eating disorder. I’m about to eat dis order of pizza, dis order of fries and dis order of nuggets.
Didn’t realize how much I drank over the holiday. The Urgent Care doc wants to put my liver in a walking cast.
If Facebook changed “poke” to “stab” I would use it all the time.
Learn cursive, they said. You’ll need it your whole life, they said.
11yo: What are you doing?
me: shhh. Mommy’s napping.
11yo: On the treadmill?
mondays are the worst day of the week because no one likes you unless you’re a holiday