I bet the first person that “domesticated” a cat totally regretted it
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The Royal Family is doing casting calls for blurry white women with brown hair.
Blurry girlies everywhere are like this is our time
Has anyone lived long enough to buy a 2nd bottle of Worchestershire sauce ?
Sorry I commented on that video of your kid taking his first steps with “aw look you taught it how to walk on its hind legs!”
Got this super hard game on my phone called Bank Of America. You only get a power up every 2 weeks? Need cheat codes
I’m at my most superstitious when there’s no wood in sight so I knock on paper three times. Hey, it’s made from trees and I don’t want to jinx myself.
something that I miss about being a child is people asking me what my favourite shape is. adults don’t do this.it’s a rhombus. u don’t care
WIFE: I’m leaving
ME: Well it’s no suprise, our relationship has slowly deteriorated and I’m not sure we even like each other any more
WIFE: I’m leaving to go to the shops
ME: Ooh get tacos
Oh crap, this isn’t what I ordered… who has my foot-long sub?
*during sex
Any way I could convince you to make some velociraptor noises?
What idiot called it Viagra and not medickation?
[a Swarm of Bees requests to be your friend] um ok
[a Swarm of Bees has invited you to event “Come Outside”] what tha
[IKEA meatball recipe]
1/2 lb ground beef
1/2 cup cream
1 small onion finely chopped
4 allen wrenches
20 minute argument
2 tbsp butter
lingonberry or some shit
you’re doing it wrong
salt to taste
just let me do it
My neighbors haven’t tried to interact with me since I swerved my car at them.
This feels like a win.
TONIGHT ON HOUSE HUNTERS
*extremely Australian accent*
This here house is one of the most deadly in the world. Imma poke it with a stick
[guy in dark alley]
Psst. Hey, lady…
*opens trench coat*
CHECK OUT-
*dozens of bibles fall out*
-our Lord and savior Jesus Christ
[blind date]
HER: I’m a big dog person
ME {trying to impress her}: My middle name is Clifford
The world is your Oyster.
So raw, rubbery and resembling a booger?
I spilled beer on a guy. He said “You wanna dance?” I said “Can’t, I don’t have my dancing shoes on.” He was so disappointed, he beat me up.
announcing “i’m pregnant”
– pretty normal
– congratulations
– are you excited?screaming “there’s something inside of me”
– sounds dangerous
– we still talking about pregnancy?
– are you john hurt’s character from the hit film alien?
Social butterfly? Nah.
I’m more like a social Sasquatch. Some people swear they’ve seen me, but no one really believes them.
“Hi I’m Dave and I’m an alcoholic”
*uncomfortable murmur*
“I’ll be your captain today. Our flight time into Phoenix will be 3 hours and
{about to have sex}
Her: *seductively kicks off heels and rips open blouse
Me: *panics as I look for a spot to set down my half eaten taco
I’m such a sucker for floral print tops and dresses. Am I a middle-aged woman or a tea cup? No one knows.
i don’t delete messages just incase someone wanna lie about may 20th 1984
Me at 2 AM: I’m so tire-
Brain: Shut. Up. Do you remember how Greg in the 3rd grade wronged you? DO YOU?
As soon as I’m in my room, I take off my pants. That’s probably why I wasn’t allowed to be home when the realtor was showing my house.
Sorry my emotional support panther ate your emotional support peacock.
Whoa 😂
As a kid, I had to be careful not to curse around adults. Now as an adult, I have to be careful not to curse around kids.
I’ve watched enough Dexter to know if he’s lying about one thing he might also be lying about a lot of other things and secretly a serial killer.