Learn to negotiate like my 5-year old. Instead of asking, “Can we please get a kitty?” he asked, “Are we getting a kitty today or tomorrow?”
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When I say someone is a good doctor it’s entirely based on the strength of their waiting room Wi-Fi.
If anyone is living vicariously through me, you just bought yourself Flintstones chewable vitamins.
I was doing a bench press and a spider dropped on my face.
Not dropping the weights is now my greatest accomplishment in life.
[coffee shop]
ME: [hanging up a flyer for my band]
CUTE GIRL: Is that your band?
ME: No it’s a flyer
This is about the time of year where my enthusiasm about shoveling snow turns into “it will probably melt on it’s own”
11: Daddy, how long have we been friends for?
Me: That depends. How old are you?
11: I’m eleven.
Me: Then probably 4 or 5 years hahaha
11: See, jokes like that is why we’re no longer friends.
*Husband forgets to close screen on door*
*4 hrs later*
Me: *feels furriness on my leg in bed*
*rolls over*
Squirrel: *stares*
Wife: you’ve been a naughty boy *peels off clothes* You need to be punished
Me: yes, I do!
Wife: do the laundry
Crazy but true: Over 80 percent of twins seperated at birth have the same exact birthday.
Twitter is a lot like kindergarten; there’s yelling, giggling, struggling with basic reading comprehension…and everyone is super excited to show you their toys.
[runs up to a group of people]
ME: ZACK ATTACK
GUY: lol is your name zack or—
[thousands of bros crest a nearby hill]
ME: [whispering] RUN
I learned the name of my neighbor’s dog today.
In other news, I now have free wifi.
“Money doesn’t grow on trees” is something rich people say so you won’t find their money trees.
Me: Are you mad at me?
Wife: Eventually.
People like Bubba Gump Shrimp Co. How about more movie character restaurants? I have some suggestions:
Samwise’s Lord of the Wings
Tyler Durden’s Chowder House
Goose’s Gastropub (tagline: We feel the need… the need to feed!)
Short Round’s Tempura of Doom
Hannibal’s
Washing my hands to an entire Pink Floyd album.
That should do it.
Don’t believe what others say about you, they know nothing. For example, in 4th grade my teacher said I was going to grow up and be successful and she was wrong on both accounts
“Real men like a woman with curves” – Fat Chicks
DOCTOR: Your baby seems a bit sluggish
SNAIL WIFE: Oh no
HUSBAND: *thinks about their slug neighbour* I KNEW IT
Never go grocery shopping hungry. Always bring a chair to the furniture store. Buy clothes in a swimsuit. I’m not clear on the rules
I refused to ask a guy with a Blackberry what time it was because he doesn’t even know what year it is.
[texting]
Him: What’re you doing
Me: Watching a chicken strip
H: Why don’t you just eat it
M: BECAUSE SHE’S BUSY DANCING, TODD
“Have you tried putting balogna in it?”
~me, as a marriage counselor
I’m just marveling at how the hand towel in my son’s bathroom can be so dirty and yet his doorknob is so wet
*Creating bees*
God: Make them highly beneficial to the ecosystem.
Angel: Sure thing, boss.
God: Give ’em the greatest knees of all time
I’ve never applied makeup while driving, but I have eaten an entire rotisserie chicken.
I laughed at my husband when he asked me why the kids were off of school for Valentine’s Day. This is Texas son, they’re off because it follows the day after the Super Bowl.
It’s perfectly normal to shave your legs just from the top of your boots to the hem of your dress, right?
The face palm is the only houseplant you can’t kill
My bumper sticker says “My kid is your honor student’s drug dealer.”