[wearing a ‘World’s Greatest Dad’ t-shirt while talking to the bartender]
“The younger one is about 8 and the older one is older than 8.”
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If you’re using public transport never give up your seat to an old lady…
That’s how I lost my job as a bus driver.
wife: What would you do if 9 told you he was gay?
me [looking for the remote] Ask him if he’s seen the remote
boss: [asks me to do something]
me: [wonders how beyonce would do it]
boss: STOP WONDERING ABOUT HOW BEYONCE WOULD DO IT
6 pack abs on a guy are nice but it probably means that he won’t get drunk & rob a convenient store of cheese curls w/me at 3am, so no.
Been doing a lot of soul searching as of late and still have not found that darn thing.
I’ve got just over 13 hours to lose 35 pounds and finish a novel
“i acknowledge that i have read and agree to the above terms and conditions”
At the beginning of a long plane ride, I like to ask my husband why he loves me. His frantic look for an escape hatch entertains me.
Wanna make a boyfriend? Choose someone who’s still playing Wordle. He’ll never leave you.
If people love cheese so much, why are they mad when someone smells like cheese.
[flirting at Taco Bell]
Trouble opening that sauce packet? Let me help.
[seconds later]
Let me help you get that sauce out of your hair.
Just want to point out the NRA’s plan to stop school shootings is literally the plot of Kindergarten Cop.
6: What’s a hangover?
Me: The interest repayment on fun.
[leaving the synagogue]
I always thought rabbi was just the plural of rabbit
Neighbor: hey just so you know I invited Dan to the dinner party!
Me: cannibal Dan or Dan who can’t spell?
*phone chimes*
[Text from Dan] I can’t wait to meat your friend tonight!Neighbor: yeah I’m not sure
Starting a new job today.
I’m not sure what company, but it’s wherever this lady with the giant box of donuts is going.
Australia’s reputation for dangerous wildlife is exaggerated.
Statistics show that 43% of Australians actually escape being eaten and survive to adulthood.
I’m getting really fed up with people moaning about the price of things. £4.50 for coffee, £6 for a piece of cake, £12 an hour parking – always whining.
Honestly, any more complaints and I’m going to stop inviting friends round to my place.
I’m suspicious of people who don’t like dogs…But I totally trust a dog when it doesn’t like a person.
WTF, marathoners? I don’t even like to drive 26 miles.
One day I’m gonna plug my guitar into this elevator and just see what happens
when your Amazon order arrives and you think to yourself “this is some real bullshit right here”
Raise your hand if you ever ran out of toilet paper and had to use a coffee filter.
So, just me..
[Cooking pasta]
Make enough to feed everyone in The Sopranos and proceed like Tony is going to kill you if you don’t cook enough pasta.
[Doctor’s Office]
Seal: My flippers are sore.
Killer Whale Doctor: Hmm interesting, swim a little closer into my jaws- I MEAN ONTO THE TABLE
I don’t care how much you pay for sushi- you are getting a raw deal.
– Do you have photos of your girlfriend naked?
-No.
– Do you want some?
“No, no. No! NO!” – guy who invented black ski masks after people started using them for robbing
driverless cars????
I don’t trust autocorrect to pick the correct word let alone let a car just drive me …. by itself
[skydiving with my dog]
Me: ur ears r inside out
My dog: can’t hear u my ears r inside out
Me: it’s the wind
My dog: I think it’s the wind