I’m pretty sure the rule at Starbucks is the slowest employee makes the drinks
You Might Also Like
Do you think if I slip this Dr. an extra $100, I’ll get the “good” prostate exam?
BARBER: what’ll it be
ME: can u make me feel extremeley self-conscious for 45 minutes
BARBER: u got it
Coffee: Because when you’re groggy and barely coherent, the first thing you should do is handle a scalding hot cup of liquid.
Boss: we’re going to our cabin on the lake this weekend
Coworker: you guys have a cabin ON the lake?
Boss: Ya?
Coworker: must be wet hahaha
No
one
yums like Gaston
Eats iced plums like Gaston
Knows you saved them but craves them, succumbs like Gaston
you mean to tell me Cameron Diaz dated The Mask AND Shrek? mmmk someone’s got a type
[at a wake]
Me: *closes coffin to set my drink down* so, what are you doing after this
Widow: wow
There’s going to be a full moon this Christmas!
Because mixing family and alcohol together wasn’t enough…
Me: *calls wife* hey, did you know that cats use their whiskers to see if they can fit through places
Wife: um yeah, is this why you’re calling me?
Me: haha no… i’m stuck in the chimney
It’s gonna take a real idiot to write my autobiography.
[After Big Jewel Heist]
“We did it! We got away! Everything went to plan”
ME(holding my grappling hook I didn’t get to use): Yea it was ok
age 1: goo googa
age 2: im a babada da
age 3: thank god i can finally speak. listen, i’ve been observing u for 3 years now. what are u doing
I asked a girl to “go with me” in middle school, she said yes and then we never talked to each other again. I’m thinking about reaching out to dump her.
I love Bounty but even I think this is cursed
Hey guys. Stop touching your wife’s pregnant belly in pictures. We get it, you came in her.
In Canada they just call them geese
Proper labeling of axes is absolutely crucial.
wait whoa when did the bermuda triangle stop eating boats
I refuse to allow anyone to drive me crazy. My GPS says it’s within walking distance.
Person: trust me, I know a thing or two
Me: (untrustingly) that’s really not an impressive number of things to know
a fat bumblebee keeps bumping into the window trying to get inside and ignores me explaining that outside with the sun and fresh air and flowers is where he wants to be so I’m holding my laptop up to the glass to show him I’m doing my taxes and convince him this is the bad place
If these origami self defence classes have taught me anything, it’s…. well it’s how to make a paper goose actually, I think i’ve been had
Kid threw a rainbow slushee at my windshield …. Thought I hit a unicorn
Me: You know what would improve this dreadful place? An open bar
Other people in the waiting room:
Avoid unwanted pregnancies by using the “pull out” method where you pull out an acoustic guitar at a party & no one will have sex with you.
Hit me in the face with a bird
do you guys realize there’s a planet in our solar system entirely inhabited by robots
[parade]
Dad: son, when you grow up, would you be the savior of the broken, the beaten, and the damned? Will you defeat them your demons and all the non-believers?
Me, 6 years old: do I have to answer now or
It infuriates my wife to see our stuff on the kitchen floor for a few hours but she’s totally fine with a table and chairs being there all year long.