me: what’s our criminology class on?
friend: cannibalism
me: [gasping] a hannibal lecture
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[first date]
HER: i’m super close to my dad
ME: *trying to impress* you’re grounded
Hear no evil, see no evil, speak no evil.
I can accomplish this if I avoid my mother.
Me: you need to show me you can be more responsible
7: I AM RESPONSIBLE *drops scissors next to 9mo baby sister*
If you ever hear a parent say, “oh, good! it comes with glitter!” know that it is not, in fact, good.
How many feet away from a tragedy do you need to be before its ok to snack?
Saw a teen couple buying condoms in the pharmacy so I let my grandbaby run around their feet & whispered ‘that’s the brand my daughter used’
My kid showed me a black paper and said, he has drawn a black panther but it is night time.
He has made two blue dots for eyes tbf.
We just got new neighbors and if they play their cards right I won’t know anything about them just like what’s-his-name that lived there before them.
Every single cat would kill you if it was big enough. Think about THAT when you are deciding between name brand cat food and the generic.
When I die, I want them to write that I died of supernatural causes, but offer no explanation.
me: I quit, here’s my badge and gun
head lifeguard: your what
*everytime I introduce dad*
this is the man who’s not proud of me
Superman: I’m faster than a speeding bullet, more powerful than a locomotive-
Batman: I fight a penguin and this really persistent clown
#TakeMyAdvice buy a cat that’s been preassembled
Her: What do you look for in a relationship?
Me: A way out.
John: There are places…
Paul: I remember
George: All my life, though…
Ringo: How can antibiotics and pro-biotics both be good for you
‘Believe me I am a expertise when it comes to lovemaking.’
I believe you Internet stranger.
I totally believe you.
[gun goes off]
[every runner pretends to be wounded, then laughs and starts the race]
ANNOUNCER: and the annual Dad 5k is underway
Kids are like mosquitoes…
…when they stop making a noise, start worrying
Internet speeds are expected to slow Christmas morning when all the children open gifs from Santa
Snooki, but without the orange tan and poofy hair. And she’s in charge of North Korea.
Welcome to backhanded compliment club, it’s so nice meeting people who don’t care how they look
Wife : A jogger was murdered in the park last night.
Me : Well that’s all the motivation I need. *Goes for a jog in the park*
Help! Lots of manta rays have washed up on the beach!
DISCUS CHAMPION: [rising from his towel] I’ve trained my whole life for this moment.
me: want the stick
dog: not really
me: fetch the stick
dog: why would I do that
me: fetch it boy
dog: that seems pointless
me: [throws stick]
dog: oh cool now neither of us has a stick
I need to get my HR lady, mom and girlfriend together so they can more efficiently scrutinize my every move and thought.
She died as she lived—cursing while stirring a jar of natural peanut butter.
I could totally be a squirrel matador. Possibly.
($800 for an iphone)
oh no problem here you go
(99 cents for an app)
HA I DONT THINK SO PAL MONEY DOESNT GROW ON TREES YA KNOW