“Wtf it’s been 3 hours”
– me, drunk, waiting for a pizza I never ordered
You Might Also Like
Why is the recorder so ubiquitous in school music class?? If any kid was ever actually good at playing the recorder, we would all know of at least one adult who eventually went pro
[pet store]
me: are the birds expensive?
employee: they’re going cheap
me: I know how they work
8yo overheard me talking about getting laser eye surgery. She got really upset. I was surprised by her reaction until she said “but what if you accidentally shoot me with laser beams!”
God: you hate the moon.
Wolf: why?
God: he stole your girlfriend.
Wolf: I have a girlfriend?
God: not anymore.
Wolf: because the moon-
God: -stole her yes.
Wolf: I hate the moon.
God: I know.
Wolf: I just miss her so much.
God: let it out.
Wolf: [takes a deep breath]
The Very Hungry Caterpillar taught me that I can binge eat carbs and then take a two week nap and I’ll become beautiful.
Of course he’s going to get re-elected, because once you go Black…
Son won’t eat sandwich I made him but will lick dog bowl
kids play hide and seek like
Girls are like strawberries. Sometimes they’re at the grocery store
<reads 15 positive reviews of a product> I’m totally getting this.
<then reads 1 negative review> Forget it, it’s obvious crap.
Call your boring friend Simon, “Sighmon” he’ll never know the difference and you can laugh about it with your cool bros over beers.
I plucked my first gray hair today. The lady it came from got so mad you guys.
At grandma’s. Which means this morning I woke up at 8:45am and was still greeted with, “Look who’s finally up. We thought you were dead!”
My parties got a hundred times better when I realized if I didn’t invite anybody I could eat all the snacks.
Found out today my ex girlfriend married a successful businessman. I’m probably better off without her, seems like she has ambition and standards
“Bears are omnivores so if you think about it, eating porridge makes perfect sense.”
my date: *heavy sigh* “Ok. Do you have a second favorite book?”
(yawn)
Dear everyone THE PEEPS ARE MY BABIES please do not eat them. Take them home. Give them warmth and comfort. Allow them to nest beside your TV. Give them your passwords so they can log on to the dark web and order books about witchcraft to summon Cthulhu. Let them swim in the sink
[restaurant]
Waiter: Chicken?
Me: No I’ll fight you RIGHT NOW
A butterfly just landed on the tip of my cigarette & exploded.
What in the hell do they put in butterflys?
*at a pizza buffet in the Midwest*
Me: excuse me, can you please make a vegetarian pizza?
Him: Sure! What kind of meat do you want on that?
I’m really bad at measuring the correct amount of pasta, so if you and 79 of your friends want spaghetti tonight, come on over.
Writing ‘thanks.’ instead of ‘thanks!’ so you know I’m mad
If you can’t be fun to be around then please be a drug dealer
For security reasons, I highly recommend that you leave one of your children home during the holidays to set elaborate booby traps in case of intruders.
Humans shouldn’t come to Mars.
Mars has enough problems already.
Back in my day teenagers didn’t vape or use social media. They befriended talking animals and solved crimes for the police.
AA MEETING
Chairman: Please, introduce yourself
Eminem: Hi! My name is..
C: What?
E: My name is..
C: Who?
E: Hi! My name is..
C: Huh?
My teenage son just took out the trash without being asked.
Should I be alarmed?
This. Is. Not. A. Drill.