The first of Jay-Z’s 99 problems is the obsessive compulsive disorder that requires him to know his precise number of problems at all times.
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Birthdays were invented by big wax corporations to sell more candles with numbers on them.
All mushrooms are edible.
Some only once.
Look, we’ve all dreamed of seeing a car caught on a rising bollard. Don’t pretend you haven’t.
Wonder who’s getting killed off this season on Sesame Street
An opossum is just a regular possum that reenacts the diner scene from When Harry Met Sally.
You look stressed, let me pour you a hot cup of pasta.
“3 FOR 1 TACOS, TODAY ONLY” I shout into the megaphone. the crowd watches with bated breath.
“I’m coming down,” the man on the ledge shouts
I’m likely to die of a household accident. I’m certain a spider will be involved.
Lost my pet unicorn.
If you find it, please share your drugs.
Spend a few hours without your phone and you’ll realise what the important thing in your life is.
It’s your phone.
[1st Date]
(Okay, don’t let her know you’re addicted to eating fruit)
Me: This is good
[2nd Date]
[3rd Date]
[4th Date]
[5th Date]
Her: Stop
Horse buying tip: ALWAYS ask how much horsepower a horse has. If a horse has less than one horsepower, you’ve got yourself a crap horse.
I wish I had remembered this was a rectal thermometer before I’d put it in my mouth for 3 minutes.
[at punchbowl]
Me: You go ahead.
Lady: No, I insist.
Me: Together, then?
*we both pour vodka from our purses in*
The booster protects against what, now?
My birthday suit doesn’t fit me anymore.
Me [proudly]: This is my son. He’s 10, a fine artist & great at math
Nurse: That’s a garbage can & your morphine drip is still attached
exec: i have a new band that’s going to tear up the charts
ceo: what’s the name
exec: duran duran duran
ceo: that’s way too many durans
exec: we can cut it down to just duran, sir
ceo: hmm now i’m worried that’s not enough durans
exec: i have an excellent idea then, sir
[murder occurs]
ME: how terrible. why can’t we love each other[someone slightly inconveniences me]
ME: I will execute your entire family
Keep your friends close but your potential organ donors closer.
[commercial for toilets]
°a man is walking around his house picking up turds°
There’s got to be a better way
my roommate is terrible at remembering lyrics and is currently in the shower singing “something something armadillo, something something armadillo, something something armadillo, armadillo suitcase, we didn’t start the fire-“
[Day 5]
GOD: What do you think?
ANGEL: You’re tired. Why don’t we try making the birds tomorrow.
The great thing about having pet insurance is that while our labrador is at the vets, they’ve given us a courtesy poodle to hang out with.
Apparently this was on a digital highway sign in Tennessee yesterday 😎
She had silky hair and legs that went on for days. I was in bed with a horse.
your honor my client feels very bad he got caught
Whenever a guy boasts he has a party in his pants, I always ask him to prove it.
If he’s not packin nachos, beer and M&Ms, I’m going home.
My kid said if I don’t stop calling it ‘Instantgram’ that he won’t talk to me for the entire Summer. So I’m going to start saying ‘The Facebook’ as well, just to be sure.
A taser but for people who say “it is what it is”.