After sitting in the labor and delivery waiting room chairs for 12 hours, I need an epidural as much as those women in labor do.
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Otters see a butterfly.
“Sorry I was skeptical about your cough.”
-my new line of Get Well cards
Negotiating with a 3 year old:
Me: pick out two books to read.
3yo: no five books!
Me: fine three books.
3yo: no five books!
Me: no one book!
3yo: no TWO books!
Me: ugh you got me, two books it is.
Daughter: dada is Aquaman a mermaid?
Me: no honey.
Daughter: he can swim and breathe and talk underwater like a mermaid.
Me: yes but he has legs.
Daughter: Ariel has legs too.
[later]
Wife: I rushed home what’s the emergency?
Me: I think Aquaman might be a mermaid.
Mother’s maiden name: Mom
Mother’s first name: Mom
Mother’s last name: MomWhy do they even asks such dumb questions?
One time, my dad accidentally made himself a sandwich with catfood. He thought it was liverwurst. When I asked him what he thought the cat on the packaging was all about, he said “I thought that was for decoration“
People who get stoned in glass houses should probably wear pants
…or whatever that saying is
I always wondered if the distinct piss smell that Burger King is known for is authentic or if it’s just a spray they use.
Downside: the pandemic rages on.
Upside: we’re learning the Greek alphabet
her: what do u do
me: [remembers girls like bad boys] i sell drugs
her: are u serious ??
me: [remembers girls like sensitive guys] to kids in need
Airbnb owner: Before you check out can you start the dishwasher, put on a load of laundry, do my taxes, and renovate the bathroom?
Me:
me: are you guys going to publish my book on negotiating
publisher: no
me: ok
I know it might seem cruel, but unless you’ve lived through the horror of a sheep infestation, you couldn’t possibly understand.
Just ran into Björk walking into her hjötel. Ljöking fjörward to her show at Pitchfjörk tjönight (hjöly shit my Icelandic is pjërfect).
It was the worst of times, it was the worst of times.
-2020
bartender: the usual?
me: you know it
bartender: [throws me thru window]
I visited a gun shop in Indiana once and had to use the bathroom; inside was a portrait of a naked man with a thick wooden board covering where his private part would be. Curiosity got the best of me and I tried to lift the board. It let off an air horn throughout the whole store
Good News: Got rid of the skunk smell on the cat using hydrogen peroxide, dishsoap & baking soda
Bad News: the cat now looks like Billy Idol
If she wants to be chased, she better steal my pizza or something
There are 400 billion birds in the world, 250,000 planes, but only one Superman.
So, in answer to your question… It’s probably a bird.
religion? um, ha, no. i’m not really into the idea of letting a set of ancient rules dictate my life. plus, pisces aren’t usually religious
Freak your cat out by running in the room, stopping abruptly to lick yourself and then running back out again.
Not to brag but I can still fit in the same parking spot I could last year.
Don’t ever put money in a savings account because your house will find out and break something expensive.
Coworker: I ran 5 miles at the gym this morning
Me: Why
I’m always confused when people accuse me of “just tweeting things for attention” because…obviously? This isn’t my personal diary. I want people to see it. 😂
Last Christmas, I gave you my heart, the very next day you told me you’re gay….
My doctor had to reschedule our appointment today and I’m not upset but I do feel like I should get a free prescription of my choice