*hands cashier $100 bill
“Ya have anything smaller?”
*crumbles up $100 bill and hands it to cashier
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British people react to the @BBC posting baseball content on twitter… 😭
same bro
I’m fine, doctor. My heart rate was elevated because I was thinking about tacos
RT if you know someone like this!!!
When Dorothy told the scarecrow she’d miss him most, I wanted the lion and tin man to set him on fire. I told my parents that, in case they got any ideas about showing favoritism.
i asked my mom why she was crying and she said because shes choping onions which is sad becuase as a young child she was adopted by onions
If you’ve seen one lion attack you’ve seen a maul
[At vet]
Me: My dog has been throwing up what looks like egg shells.
Vet: What have you been feeding him?
Me: Egg shells.
Me: Your shoes are on the wrong feet.
4yo: ..
Me: ..
4yo: ..
Me: ..
4yo: I don’t have any other feet..
Me: Fair enough.
COP: Do you know why I pulled you over?
COW: Was I speeding?
COP: No
COW: Is it because I’m a c–
COP: It’s because you’re a cow.
Shout out to the top 5 suits in the world, 3-piece, zoot, swim, law and birthday.
“This steak is really chewy.”
*me drunk, eating my dog’s toy*
when i was born i was no bigger than a hotdog, and no better. now i am the size of many hotdogs, and just as good
I’ll be tweeting telepathically today, so if you think of something funny, that’s me.
Do I speak Spanish?
Oui!
Karen: Are we ok?
Me: [removes earbud] Yes.
Karen: It’s just that you named a Spotify playlist “LET’S GET DIVORCED”
3: mom I did a jump
Me: it was great
3: mom I did a jump
M: you did
3: mom I did a
M: jump yes
3: mom I did a
M: [jumps out window] me too
Why the phone ring longer when u ignoring the call
“Great, now I have to pee.”
My dog, every day, brings out a shoe, a shoe of mine in my current shoe rotation, and won’t let it go until I give her a bully stick. It’s extortion!
Pronouncing words correctly is not my fort.
*quietly tries to open a bag of chips during a bank robbery*
NOAH: whoa hold up, we already have two slugs
SLUG (wearing shell): no no, not slug *taps shell with eyeball* call me snail
NOAH: *narrows eyes* you look like a slug
SLUG: does the big guy know you brought your wife and kids?
NOAH:
SLUG:
NOAH: karaoke’s at 7
Googling symptoms only tells you which diseases have the best SEO
I’m not ashamed to say that when I saw everyone was getting these new “selfie sticks” for Xmas I thought it was some new fantastic deodorant
Outfit choices
Work: jeans & a t-shirt
Hanging out: jeans & a t-shirt
Special event: jeans & a t-shirt
Stalking your ex: jeans & a t-shirt
Having a nice lunch: jeans & a t-shirt
Doctor appt: khakis & a nice shirt so you appear to have it together
we don’t give my son hot dogs not because they’re unhealthy, because he eats them with jelly & the judgement in public is too much
Told my coworker to shut up or I would slash his tires. He laughed, I laughed. Now I’m by his car with a knife and I can hear sirens. 🙁
When the grid crashes and there’s no other way of communicating, we’ll see whose drum circle is “stupid”.
I dropped and broke my phone today. Hurt more than childbirth!