“To boldly go where no one has gone before.”
“What?”
“I said boldly go where no one has gone before.”
“What happened to the to?”
“It split.”
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Biker gang: Well, well, well. Would you look at this fancy boy.
Me: Don’t push me.
Biker gang: Oh yeah? What are you gonna do about it?
Me: *removes bonnet* I said, don’t push me.
*Watching tv*
Him: wtf are you eating?
Me: Cotton candy. *stuffing more in my mouth* The attic is full of it but I think it’s stale.
I don’t want to pull focus from the Oprah interview but I am currently in a hot air balloon 30 miles off the coast of California and I have no idea how I’m going to get down safely
*handing nurse a bedpan*
Me: I pooped in thisNurse: you’re not a patient here
My wife says she can breakdown cardboard packaging for the recycling bin better than I can. I think I will just let her have that one.
The person with duct tape holding most of their car together always has the right-of-way.
[during prison riot]
cellmates: we’re busting out. you coming?
me: *shakes magic 8 ball*
magic 8 ball: ask again later
me: shoot hang on
Eternal damnation for the sorry acquaintance who cons you into watching his favorite film and keeps looking to see if you’re reacting.
Pack a bag, we’re going on a tangent.
Another way they could improve cricket is by having seven to eight golden retrievers on the pitch at all times
My husband hates pickles so much he put consuming them in front of him as a dillbreaker in our pre-nup
Mans got denied a plate and walked off. 😂😂😂
[trying to fall asleep]
SHEEP: count us
ME: im good, thanks
SHEEP: *louder* count us
ME:nope
SHEEP: *yelling* count us
ME:*sighs* one, two, thr…
SHEEP: follow us*one hour later*
ME: *knitting a scarf* this is so relaxing
Thank you to all those people doing boring jobs with titles we don’t understand.
Is it still an alien abduction if I packed a suitcase?
I find it hard to believe that bears made porridge and the only thing wrong with it was the temperature.
Beatles were all like “We love women.”
Zeppelin was all like “Bitch, I’m gonna leave you.”
the guy inventing artificial banana flavor: whatever close enough
I’ve heard the jokes and the laughter as people drove past my house in July, but who’s laughing NOW?
*plugs in Xmas lights*
I hate to brag but my family has testified against me in court more than yours has.
opening gifts that say ‘from mom & dad’ and knowing that dad is going to be just as surprised as you are
BOSS: I have some tough news
INVISIBLE MAN: Go on
BOSS: HR says we need to hire more “Visible” minorities
INVISIBLE MAN: This is bullshit
coworker: that’s a great ugly Christmas sweater
me *in my regular sweater*: thanks
Dating Tips.
C all her 69 times a day.
R ing her doorbell and hide.
E avesdrop by phone tapping.
E ye her bffs.
P oke her on FB.
You want me to make something homemade?? Girl I can’t even make my own serotonin.
PASTOR: and the lord said unto us—can u stop please? it’s very distracting
ME: [bouncing up & down on yoga ball] i don’t think he said that
They built different out in Florida man. Hitting a Gator with a cast iron skillet is nuts 🤣
CLICK HERE TO SUPPORT BREAST CANCER
“okay” *click*
WHY ARE YOU SUPPORTING BREAST CANCER U MONSTER
“oh no”
[mom from other room] WTF KYLE
MATH TEACHER: wanna come do the problem on the board?
ME: no
MT: i wasn’t asking
ME: if u were an english teacher you’d know that u were
My pre-nup will indicate that I’m allowed to unplug your life support system should my phone need charging.