I hate it when I’m eavesdropping and people aren’t talking loud enough.
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I gave up my aisle seat and took a middle seat so a mother and her son could sit together. It was ten minutes of feeling good about myself followed by three hours of hating a perfectly nice little boy.
If Christian Bale has never cancelled a date and said “sorry to Bale on you” then I don’t think he is living life to the fullest.
My kid dropped an entire glass of cranberry juice and now he knows how hard it’d be to cover up a murder
Make sure you lock your car doors so no one steals your half empty water bottles.
Me: So it’s kittens… driving sports cars!!
Studio Head: I need security up here NOW.
Me: PLEASE DON’T REJECT “THE FAST AND THE FURRIEST”
If you tell someone “nice shirt” and they don’t look down at it you’re talking to a robot.
Baby Lawyer: Did you steal the victim’s nose?
Accused: No. *cries into palms
Baby Judge: O, great, he’s disappeared again.
It’s really important to have things in common with your spouse, for instance my wife and I both despise my very existance.
multitasking lunch
Finally found a job ad that didn’t mention ‘attention to detail’ or ‘team player’. Finally!
I like to go on job interviews wearing an eye patch and switch eyes when the interviewer looks down.
I don’t understand why everyone is so passionate about sports; it’s all just bullsh – HEY! YOU! NO! DARTH VADER DOES NOT HAVE A GREEN SABER!
facebook is always sending me suggestions of “an event that might interest you” – it all interests me, facebook! trust me! it’s not for a lack of interest … so, if you could please tweak these suggestions to “an event that you can afford” … that would be great … thanks
I’ve adopted an elephant virtually. The elephant itself is actually.
[trying to make small talk with the lady cutting my hair]
so what do you do for a living
I bet deaf people scare the shit out of bank tellers when they hand them a note.
Sister1: People can see your bra when you lean forward
Sister2: Yeah a beige one would be less noticeable than turquoise
Me: Well if they’re gonna get a peek it may as well be pretty
Me: You’re SURE you know how to cut hair?
Wife: I told you I watched a YouTube video
Neil Patrick Harris couldn’t host a tapeworm without a musical number. #Emmys
I either need to win the lottery or get bitten by a vampire and gain the power of the night. But preferably the lottery.
I wish Kristen from finance would tell us her husband was an “attorney” one more time so I could feel better about shitting in her purse.
Them: We don’t know enough to panic.
My Anxiety: Amateur!
Imagine the excitement of the first scientist to travel between parallel dimensions. He’ll be beside himself.
I’m sporting Cameron Diaz’ *Something About Mary” hairdo, but tragically, the magic ingredient is Cadbury Crème egg filling.
Waiter: What can I get for you?
Me: Steak, please.
W: How would you like that cooked?
M: By anyone other than my wife
My grandfather was so racist he had a white & white television set.
me: she had wide eyes and red hair,
police sketch artist: *drawing*
me: like elmo
artist: *stops drawing*
me: she had an amazing laugh, and loved to be tickled
artist: *drawing*
me: like elmo
artist: *stops drawing*
I’m guessing by the bathroom scale being in the trash my wife has met her new years resolution and doesn’t need it anymore
Not sure why my coworker was so upset. I thought an assortment of breath mints was a gift that would benefit everyone.
On a separate note…does anyone know how to get egg nog out of velour?
a fairly underrated BARBIE joke is when someone calls her a fascist, and when she’s crying about it she says, “I don’t control the railways!”
movies are BACK