The world is my oyster and I’m allergic to shellfish.
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Marriage is mostly blaming your spouse for not listening to the things you say, even when you’re not entirely sure you’ve said them out loud.
The worst thing about parallel parking is witnesses..
Him: The ceiling is dripping water!!
Me: No, that’s just God crying.
*panics thinking about the ice castle I built for my stolen penguin*
Anteater Kid: What’s for dinner?
Anteater Mom: Don’t be a smart ass, Brandon.
– Boss, we’re out of hands. Should we give the penguins wings?
– We’re short on wings too. Give them this.
– But that’s neither wings nor hands.
– Not our problem.
Ironic
An esteemed colleague told me he hard-boils eggs in the morning, uses them as pocket warmers, and then has them as a little mid-morning snack when he gets to work.
Truly, the line between genius and madness is very thin.
Sucks how every girl I’m interested in is either taken or has good taste in men.
*puts on wrestling mask*
*stretches*
*runs in place*
*cracks knuckles*Me: Let’s do this!
Kid: It’s just thumb wrestling, lady.
Me: Bring it, loser!
What are you listening to?
The Who
Who?
Yes
You’re listening to Yes?
No The Who
Oh I like them
No not Them. The band is The Who.
The Band?
Shin bruises only take about 8 years to heal
Yes officer, I know my driving is not 100% perfect, but you have to agree that it is still pretty good for someone who is completely drunk.
I was once told that if you can’t say anything nice, don’t say anything at all. Due to this,I’ve been observing a vow of silence since 1997.
I need a new salt grinder but I need one full of just Xanax because salt is bad for you.
Facebook-
You: Going to a concert tonight!
Friend: Sweet, what concert?
Aunt: WHAT IS ITUNEZ?????? HOW IS YOUR DAD????? I LOVE YOU XOXOXO
Friend- Are you tired?
Me- Nope, just ugly.
Interviewer: where do you see yourself in 5 years?
Me: In a mirror! Well any reflective surface really, windows, shiny cars, puddles…
TV led me to believe there would always be a potted plant to hide behind when needed.
Alas, this is not so.
My husband and I are co-counsel in trial today.
We already had an argument about who would drive to the courthouse.
This should be good.
Some of you take selfies from so close up, I’m beginning to wonder if you’re a T-Rex.
Judge: How do you plead?
Me: Well, I can’t speak for the defendant—
J: Of course you can, you’re his attorney
M: Oh what fun! In that case, he’s clearly guilty as hell!
The craziest moment in my life was when my daughter was born. The second craziest was when they made us leave the hospital with her two days later, like we knew what we were doing
bet marie kondo is wishing she had more shit in her house right about now.
Meet the ghost of a boy who drowned in a pond by his boarding school, and the Latin instructor who drowned him.
Can someone just invent a mirror that takes pictures already!
Does the thirty minutes of cardio have to be all at once or can you spread it out over fifty years?
I have zero sexual interest in you
you’re not Peter Dinklage
Morning.
Awkward silences? No problem. Just start beatboxing. Does it make things any less awkward? Absolutely not. But it eliminates the silence. Now it’s just awkward beatboxing. You’re welcome.