I tried a little beginner’s yoga earlier. The ambulance should be here any minute.
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BOSS: in my office, we need to have a chat
ME: ok *sits down and crosses legs*
BOSS: why did you just cross my legs?
“Shotgun!” I yell as I push past the others and climb into the seat.
I am subsequently escorted from the airplane.
In our house the answer to 🎶who let the dogs out?🎶 is always the toddler at 4am when we’re all alseep because she thinks it’s funny
My blood type is b hungry.
I got this “breathe” tattoo because I don’t have a central nervous system and it’s a helpful reminder.
Wanna feel smart? I just texted my sister a picture of her phone she left here
Don’t you dare flirt with me.
Yet.
Okay now.
-So many red dots everywhere on the fields this morning, that I haven’t seen before, I wonder what..
-Oh, nooo! Alien invasion!
-..flower they were
I stopped putting coffee in my sugar, and it shows!!!
When birds poop on my car, I eat a plate of scrambled eggs on my front porch just so they know what I’m capable of.
What’s heavier? A kilogramme of steel, or a kilogramme of feathers?
jeff bezos can’t become a trillionaire if he gets eaten by a whale
[shower song] Im all outta Dove
Im soapless without you
I’ll never get clean
Now that you are all gone
*grabs shampoo mic*
IM ALL OUTTA DOVE
Why isn’t Cindy spelled Sindie? Whoever caid C makes an S cound was ctupid.
“Wow you’re one of the nicest old ladies I’ve ever met!”- me, loudly to a random old lady so my mom can hear
*sees conditioner bottle is almost empty
*immediately buys new bottle of conditioner
*old bottle of conditioner lasts 6 more years
Farmer: Here, take a gander.
Goose: No! My husband!
I have boogers but they are too big for these holes.
-my 5 yo on blowing his nose.
Me: Things are going well. *knocks on wood*
5-year-old: Who’s there?
Me: It’s not a knock knock joke.
5: It’s not a knock knock joke who?
There’s so many streaming services and shows I just make shit up to recommend to my friends. You gotta watch Red Water on Home Depot Plus. It’s incredible. They just go “yeah I’ll check that out” like we all do when we know we won’t.
Satan: you can spend eternity in hell OR you can go to work for the first time in 5 days.
Me: hmmm
Satan: well?
Me: IM THINKING, DAMN IT
I just cleaned out the change at the bottom of my purse and now I have an extra $17,000.
Spider: what do you mean I don’t qualify??
Army Recruiter: look buddy, this isn’t the leggy
My daughter just told me I have a big butt. Now my son is my favorite child, because he hasn’t learned how to talk yet.
You’re either you’re frolicking in this meadow with me, or you’re frolicking in this meadow against me.
My 5 yr old tried to smuggle a baby duck home from the farm.
Like I heard non-human noises from the backseat & had to turn the car around, drive a mile back, & tell the farm people my daughter’s going to rehab for animal trafficking & no, I don’t want to keep a duck for $5.
Ever notice how people who say “Better to ask for forgiveness than permission” never actually ask for forgiveness, either?
Me: But I’m sweaty, I’m anxious, my heart rate is up
Doctor: This is the 3rd visit I’ve had to tell you I can’t treat being offended online
A hexagon is what Mario says when he frees himself from a curse