I can’t believe I used to talk to people.
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it was love at first sight
I’ve gotten to the point in my parenting career where I don’t just vacuum up Legos, I laugh while I do it.
Trains delayed due to:
– Wrong kind of sun
– Ominous cloud
– Slightly damp leaf
– Chilly track
– Suspicious gravel
– Sarcastic swan
My boss asked me if I had a minute like he doesn’t know how busy I am here.
Cats will have a King sized bed all to themselves and still lie on the one spot where you left your sweatshirt.
I will not rest until I’ve finished this nap!
*spelling bee*
“Your word is disaster.”
“Can you use it in a sentence?”
“That outfit you’re wearing looks like a natural disaster.”
Weirdest thing about elephants is how their trunks are so flexible. You can tie like 12 of them together into a single knot. Don’t ask how I know but I need a ride home from the zoo like now if anyone is free.
(At the dentist)
‘Your grinding isn’t good.’
Excuse me! I’ve never had a man complain before.
Doing couples therapy by myself to try and get double the help
ME: What’s that on your wrist?
CO-WORKER: It’s a step tracker. It tells me how many steps I’ve taken throughout the day.
ME: Great! Do you like mine? *holds out arm*
CW: That’s just a regular watch.
ME: I know…it tells me how many hours I’ve got left until bedtime.
I hope my enemies are walking around in wet socks.
I clean my house before going away like burglars give yelp reviews.
my 80yr/o grandma is on facebook & she is a living click-bait article, she didn’t even tell me what to do with it
If the person responsible for taking all the teaspoons in the house could return them to the drawer by lunchtime, nothing more will be said about it.
Whenever I have to fix a hole in any wall I always hide a realistically drawn but totally fake treasure map in there first.
genie: i will grant you any wish
me: i wish soup was spelled like soop
genie: [frowning] no
I’m amazed by people who lose weight w exercise. When I exercise nothing happens bc my DNA still thinks I’m a European peasant. So it’s like “Oh! Are we running from the English again, lass? Dinnae ye worry: we’ll keep ye plump as a partridge to outlast the murderous bastards!”
Hey teachers, stop giving my kids homework that includes stuff for me to do. I HAVE ALREADY GRADUATED.
Sincerely, every parent everywhere.
Step outside your comfort zone to plan a play date for your kid with a parent you’ve never met before and endure an hour of small talk in 40 degree weather (because indoor play dates are too risky) only to have your kid ask “and now what?” the second they get back home.
Overheard a girl just say she’s full because she ate at 3:00. It’s 6:00. How can you stay full for THREE HOURS, alien?
I bet Jesus got tired of hearing, “This gift is for Christmas AND your birthday.”
i guess his teacher was really pissed
guy who ruins jokes: what are you cooking
chef: updog
guy who ruins jokes: oh i love that
[guy in charge of naming superheroes]
Superman, next
Batman, next
Wonder Woman, next
Aquaman, next
*takes a hit of acid*
Green Lantern
“We want to take our engagement photos here at the library.”
“That’s fun. Are there parts of the library that are especially meaningful to you?”
“Not really, we never use the library.”
“Then why take your pictures here?”
“We want people to think we’re people who use the library.”
Poor superman.he can’t go commando without the whole world noticing
A good way to tell if an artistic idea is any good is to remember the most successful video game idea of all time is “a plumber steps on turtles” so who knows
You don’t scare me. I used to work retail.
My neighbor shouldn’t put up a fake graveyard for Halloween if she doesn’t want me getting drunk and performing Thriller every night at 2AM.