*watches neighbor sprint outside in his underwear chasing the garbage truck after I rolled his trash can back to his house last night*
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“I don’t think you’re ready for this jelly.” ~ me talking shit to my peanut butter sandwich.
My husband made me mad so I researched “furniture that takes the longest time to assemble at IKEA” and now we are the proud owners of 3 PAX wardrobe units and 5 wall mounted bookcases
Had a little meltdown at work yesterday, so the upside is that everyone will be afraid to talk to me for awhile.
Anyone know a good air guitar repair man?
I broke mine in the last battle.
*Shakespeare resetting his password*
“Enter new password.”
Fortnight
“Your password is two weeks.”
[a shark bites my arm off at the bicep]
me: “MY TATTOOS”
“We are Three Percenters. We are everywhere.”
If you are only 3% you cant be everywhere.
It literally says so in your name.
Nobody needed expensive gym memberships in the 70s. They had rotary dial phones.
I miss the eighties when the biggest problem was saving the local youth center with a break dancing fundraiser.
My dog tried to put one paw on the floor instead of the scale when she was being weighed and I was like, “I got you girl”
Her: I like a man who’s loud in bed
Me: *turns on my cpap machine*
Her: Not like that
If you didn’t want a bunch of dads to meander into your backyard, then you shouldn’t have revved up that chainsaw, Dale
me: hi i’m on the list
security: there is no list this is kohl’s
me: *slipping him 20 dollars in kohl’s cash* to the VIP section my good man
be careful
yeah jesus turned water to wine, but yankee doodle turning a feather in a hat to macaroni is next level
My daughter does this thing where she copies EVERYTHING the dog does; Bark, beg, fetch etc. It was adorable!
Until the dog humped the couch
5-year-old: Dad! Dad! My sister-
Me: Stop tattling. I don’t want to hear about it unless there’s blood.
5:
Me:
5: How much blood?
Encore…
goddammit a coworker followed me on twitter.
i’m not talking about you barbara you’re super cool.
I don’t have 2.5lb weights at home so I have to use two bottles of wine for my physio exercises.
KID: *falls out of tree* I’m fine
ADULT: *sleeps on neck a little strangely* I have to turn my whole body to look at you for the next week
Getting older sucks. I hurt my back trying to flirt.
I was in my closet and my 4YO walked in right past me, pulled out a box I had NO idea was in there, got out a lollipop and a dinosaur toy he fought his sister for yesterday, put the box back, and walked out.
I am equal parts impressed and terrified right now.
My waterproof phone is advertised in commercials with people surfing and kayaking and here I am tweeting in the shower.
My family gather round while the lawyer quietly reads my will. He hands out 1 hot dog each and when they finish eating he asks them to leave
Ladies, if all he does is make you cry then maybe you’re dating an onion and not a man.
Dear makers of women’s clothing, Pants pockets should be like poetry: DEEP ENOUGH TO BE MEANINGFUL.
Hear me out..
A swear jar, but you take a piece of paper out and have to yell what’s written on it
Judge: how do you plead?
Me: Hakuna Matata.
Judge: what does that mean?
Me: I’m glad you asked *deep breath* 🎶…