Angel: What up?
God: Creating 3 y/o’s
Angel: Is it broken?It keeps repeating itself & has no volume control
God: ya it’s gunna be hilarious
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*growing up in a family of six kids*
Love you dad!
Dad:
If every time someone asks you to do something you quietly gasp and whisper, “Like the prophecy foretold.” People stop asking you to do things.
I bought my daughters two watches for Hanukkah, but one lights up and the other one doesn’t. Please send thoughts and prayers.
*puts words between two asterisks*
I love to open my windows to let in the beautiful weather and so my neighbors can learn my kids’ middle names.
If a bear attacks you, the best thing to do is play dead. Unless it’s Dave, the Necrophiliac Bear
hey Disney-Pixar here’s an idea maybe make a movie where the daughter ACTUALLY LISTENS TO HER FATHER
I’ve found god.
It’s my turn to hide now.
Conservatives say the problem is Christianity ain’t taught in schools. The real problem is Christianity ain’t taught in church.
I just said hello and waved to a baby and the baby puked I must not be looking good today
In Spain, it’s considered bad luck to die in a car accident
I’m opening a secret ice cream club called The Inside Scoop
Coworker: did you get a tan?
Me (fell asleep in my spaghetti last night): yes thank you for noticing, Ethan
My peeves aren’t pets. They’re family.
*thousands of puppies flooding onto the battlefield*
General: “STAY STRONG, MEN!”
*soldiers just petting puppies everywhere*
Whoever stacked these books is both evil and hilarious.
I’m not fascinated by you unless you’re a potato
Real sentence from a press release in my inbox: “Donald Trump lives, works, eats and employs people of all races and religions.”
OPTICIAN: Do you wear contacts?
ME: *showing my cell phone* No, I keep them on here.
I just got mistaken for an employee at a haunted house. Assume it’s because I look authoritative not because I look like I’m wearing a mask.
Vader: Join the dark side!
Luke: Maybe. What’s your Wi-Fi password?
Vader: We don’t have Wi-Fi.
Luke: I’LL NEVER JOIN YOU!
Threw my back out today reaching for the shampoo in the shower.
But I’ll be telling everyone it’s from having sex while skydiving.
The wife: I’m running away
Me: no you’re not
The wife: give me one good reason
Me: you hate running
*sees a ghost*
omg dont haunt me please i dont wana b scared
“dude i literaly experienced the horors of death so maybe this isnt about you”
A lot of communication between a toddler and a mother is nonverbal. For example, today my 1-year-old walked up to me and handed me deodorant.
boss: what are u doing
me: *pretends to read email*
boss: did u just say “pretends to read email”
learning is so boring unless it’s gossip. teachers should just start every lecture like “omg did you hear about parabolas”
interviewer : you said you have a dark past, so why should we hire you ?
me : …so I can pay my electricity bills
I was on a date and a Tampax Pearl fell out of the girl’s purse at the restaurant and I got so awkward because I’ve never dated a rich girl before.
My horoscope was so wrong today I’m beginning to doubt the science behind this life planning tool.