A lot of parenting includes slow blinking at your child when they do something stupid while you mutter to yourself that they take after your spouse.
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[blind date]
HER: I like puns but they have to be, you know, artistic
ME: Vincent van…go on
replying “so true bestie” every time a man tells me i’m pretty
Magician: For my next trick—
Me: BRING BACK THE BUNNY, YOU MONSTER
I never thought geometry would be any use to me in the real world, but look at me now, one more game of beer pong to win back my house.
Pretty wild how people love surprises until that surprise is finding you hiding in their bushes
My dating profile says “Reduced for quick sale.”
My youngest son can grow a beard even though his father can’t.
Score 1, for my facial hair producing genes.
Nothing says “thought of you, and masturbated” like ‘liking’ a girl’s Facebook photo from 2009.
[me on a ledge]
COP: (through megaphone) WE’VE CALLED SOMEONE WHO CAN HELP!
*Kris Kross steps out of a police van*
COP: Is this man bothering you ma’am?
ME: She’s my wife
MY WIFE: [mouthing and nodding yes behind me]
We have a ghost. Came home and found the fridge magnets rearranged: “I see dreadful people.”
A closed mouth gathers no fries.
Sorry for all the mean things I said when I was driving.
Cain was the first to call out Abelism.
I finished 3 books today. Believe me, that’s a lot of coloring…
43 Hacks That Will Help You Cut Down a Christmas Tree
Her: I love a tough guy
Me: I’ve got some scars
Her: Ooh. Show me one.
Me: [pulls up shirt and points to bellybutton] This is from when I was born
I’ve never done a tweet call. But today is my 33rd birthday and I hit 600 followers yesterday after being on this website for 9 years. But I actually enjoy Twitter these days and would love nothing more for my birthday than your funniest tweets. No theme. Just funny. Cheers!
I was in the Valentine’s aisle looking for candy, and next to the adorable stuffed pink bears were the high-powered binoculars. Finally a store that understands the romance of stalking.
Day 3 of my thirty minute DIY project
Him: I’m so high right now…no one has ever been so high
Me: oh yeah? *whips out a photo of my hair circa 1989*
You need sex.
I need sex.
She needs sex.
I have an idea…
Got kicked out of the Navy Seals for splashing the other guys in the pool
I hold my phone up to the sunset. So pretty. I’m going to share this with everyone, I say. The year is 1964. I’m completely insane
Judas: How long are your arms?
Jesus: Why?
Judas: Like in a cross, how long
Jesus: A what?
Judas:Across. How long across.
The more dinner parties you host for your family of porcelain dolls, the more real their laughter and conversations become…but they still won’t pick you up at the airport.
Imagine being a medium and having to talk to dead people as well as living people. That’s too many people.
I don’t know a single person who is age 40 who was born in 2000.
Me: I’m gluten free and lactose intolerant
Them: so what do you eat?
Me: mostly cheese.
I wish I could just drop my body off at the gym and pick it up when it’s ready.