During my prostate exam I asked the doctor, “where should I put my pants”? “Over there by mine”, was not the answer I was expecting.
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idk who needs to hear this but if you ever need to move a lamb over a wall, here u go
Her: Please be on your best behavior.
Me: I assure you that I can meet that standard and still offend pretty much everyone.
Fair warning: If you’re one of those parents who allow their kids to run around in a restaurant, I’m gonna teach them cuss words.
My wife’s upset at me I’m going to cheer her up and ask 9YO to play hot cross buns on the recorder
the only way to kill that french vampire is by stabbing him with a baguette, I said painstakingly
Me: You’re asking me to do this work today? On the Friday of Friday? The AUDACITY.
Boss: Again, it’s called Thursday…
STOP. PUTTING. DIARRHOEA. MEDICINE. ON. THE. BOTTOM. SHELF
I’m at the age where I look good “for my age”
Contactless food delivery be like, what if ding dong ditch had a happy ending?
I don’t know who’s having a worse day, the bird that’s repeatedly flying into my dining room window or my dog.
My blood type is A+ because I’m the best at everything. Even at having blood.
At least he tried.. twice.. 😅
Mario:
– Only went outside because of a kidnapping.
– Kept to social-distancing whenever possible
– If something got too close, jumped from a safe distance and landed on its head.
– ate mushrooms to survive this surreal hellscapeBe like Mario.
Next door’s newborn has a really distinctive cry it goes “VVVVRRRROOOOOOOOMMMMMMM!”
It’s not a breastfed baby – it’s a formula one.
If you ever see me wearing anything fur lined or faux fur, please punch the person I’m with in the face. I’ve been kidnapped & need saved!!
(at the gym). Hey can somebody spot me while I walk up the stairs?
I’m lost & peeing on the side of the road in the middle of nowhere, just wish this bear who’s about to kill me gave me a little more privacy
If I ever find a dead body while I’m hiking I’m gonna be like finally
Him: Sometimes I worry about you.
Me: Yeah, I worry about me, too.
I didn’t even know this was an option. Considering it.
[Me as a Sunday school teacher]
…then on the third day Odin went to Valhalla so that warriors who died in battle would have eternal life.
One thing I don’t miss about dining out at restaurants, is the immense pressure I feel when a server pours a little wine in a glass and waits for me to sniff, swirl and sip like I have any idea what the hell I’m actually doing.
Fireman: [bursts in] EVERYONE OUT THIS IS NOT A DRILL
Me: No its a hose lol
[later]
Cop: looks like he filled him with water til he exploded
when i mistake a brief silence during an argument with my wife as my turn to speak
“hottie with a body” implies the existence of “hottie without a body”……how do i become HER
If these seasonal allergies don’t kill me, that person I just sneezed all over probably will.
Me: I have a Black Belt
Her: Karate?
Me: Faux leather. 40”
RIDDLER: how’d you find my hideout?
BATMAN: a little birdie told me *winks*
SMALL BIRD MAN: *lands on his shoulder* please use my full name
11: Daddy, how long have we been friends for?
Me: That depends. How old are you?
11: I’m eleven.
Me: Then probably 4 or 5 years hahaha
11: See, jokes like that is why we’re no longer friends.
live, laugh, laundry.