there’s a pig in my mom’s neighborhood who escapes her home to roam the neighborhood every couple days and someone will hit their community fb page like “penelope is over here eating my tomatoes” and the owner will be like “god dammit i’ll be right there”
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I’d like to pay my .30 library fine with two credit cards please.
I’m glad my bed can’t speak because it has seen me in some weird positions
Cop: *with my license* says here you’re supposed to wear glasses
Me: I have contacts
Cop: I don’t care who you know, put your glasses on
angel: whatcha making?
god: *sharpening a fly* bee
This is the greatest Twitter thread ever
[at the movies]
me: thank god it’s over
her: I was going to say the same thing haha that’s a relief. I get the dog
2020: verb. When you screw things up beyond belief.
Example: Chad’s car hit a pole and knocked out power and, well long story short, he 2020’d and now a giant squid is destroying the city.
I am eggnogstic as in eggnog is my lord and savior
*spider-man pacing the ceiling while Mary Jane is in the bathroom taking a pregnancy test*
Practice self-care like a mummy, wrap your body tightly with a blanket & put an ancient curse on anyone who disturbs you.
Baa!
“My name is–”
Moo!
“My name is–”
Neigh!
“My name is *chickenchicken* Slim Shady.”-Eminem at a farm.
What I was warned about as a kid:
*Strangers in vans
*Gum taking seven years to digest
*QuicksandWhat I wasn’t warned about as a kid:
*Arguing with a computer that I’m not a robot
*Being sad when my favorite spatula breaks
*Meeting a “pickleball influencer”
Give a man a fish and chances are you won’t be asked to be in charge of buying a gift “from all of us” anymore.
At the intermission of musicals there should be a very short football game
Not sure which is more alarming: English wine or English bears?
A big difference between men and women I’ve found is that if a woman says ‘smell this’ it’s likely to smell nice.
[Spelling Bee]
-Your word is ‘leniency’
-Can you use it in a sentence?
-*gets law degree*
*works in law*
*becomes judge*
*fines robber £1*
When I was little I dreamed that one day my life would be just like in the movies. Maybe I should have specified what TYPE of movies.
The weatherman keeps saying we are getting a pounding.
*Followed*
Friend: I’m just not sure if she’s into me.
Me: Try faking your death. If she brings a date to your funeral, I’d say that’s a hard no.
Me: “I poop when I’m nervous.”
Doctor: “How often does this occur?”
Me: “I’m extremely nervous right now.”
People should throw rice at baptisms and not weddings that little baby is all wet and needs help drying.
Cleaned bathroom sink half hour ago. Then trimmed mustache over sink. Oh … That’s what all those women I lived with were complaining about.
Er, no; we’re clearly searching for firewood. Anything you wanna talk about, bro?
[camping]
Her: *pointing* What’s that?
Me: Decoy bacon sammich. For bears
H: *tuts*
M: We’re safe as long as it’s there
H: Right…
*later – cut to me eating the sammich*
*later still – cut to me being mauled by a grizzly*
M: I get no pleasure saying this, but told you so
My toddler had a meltdown at bedtime because her pajamas were “too comfortable.”
It’s a rough life.
[Job interview]
Them: “So what will you bring to the role if we choose you”
Me: *whips out kazoo*
Them: “NOPE”
[me holding a door]
PRETTY GIRL: [over her shoulder] thanks.
ME: sorry, i’m married, but in time you’ll get over me.
You better pray to whatever god you serve that this email finds you before I do
People often say things in the heat of anger that in hindsight they regret not accompanying with a punch in the face.