I find it ironic that several times a day I have to let a computer know that I’M not a robot.
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comedy isn’t about making people laugh. it’s about asking people in the front row, who politely sat there despite not wanting to, what their favorite sexual position is and then mocking them regardless of their answer before posting that interaction on every conceivable platform
Keep your friends close and your enemies tied to a train track.
Oh, you’re an early riser?
Yes.
Have kids?
No.
A farm?
No.
Insomnia?
No.
Medical condition?
No.
Psycho.
Hubs sent me this text:
There’s no wrong way to tell the person you love that their beautiful.Me: *they’re.
WARNING: People who need to leave their homes today are advised that it is extremely Monday outside this morning.
We leave the TV on for our dog when we go out. Yesterday my wife left on the Bravo channel and they were showing a marathon of The Real Housewives of New Jersey. He now starts meaningless fights with other dogs in public and has a drinking problem.
My Comcast internet goes down so often that it’s started an OnlyFans account.
I (a Nigerian Prince) have been having some thoughts about getting gold into America and wondered if you were in a good space mentally to send me your credit card info
Dear Captchas,
I swear I’m not a robot, just really *really* stupid
Rage Against the Severely Uncooperative TouchPad On this Dell
😂😂😂
me: the most realistic movie i could ever watch would be one where the main character in a big city has to park their car about seven or eight blocks away from the building they’re going to
my priest, about to give me communion: is there another religion you can join?
surely THIS is the salad that will undo months of fast food and alcohol
Sometimes it’s not about missing someone, it’s about reloading and trying again.
My husbands signature move is running to town “real quick” and coming home 5 hours later.
My daughter just called it the “Heimlich Remover” and I’m choking with laughter.
It’s good to make mistakes in front of your children to teach them they don’t have to be perfect.
And also the truth that you’re a moron.
After a funeral I try to join the family for the lunch, the hardest part is waiting at the cemetery in the mornings to find a nice family.
“It’s time to turn over a new leaf.”
– Adam & Eve on laundry day
Me: What are you doing in your pajamas still? 3 year old: Eating frosting. Me: Fair enough.
Guy: What do you do?
Me: I tell jokes on Twitter
G:No, I mean, what do you do to support yourself?
Me: I tell myself that they’re good jokes
Outside of a dog, a book is a man’s best friend. Inside of a dog, though, it’s every man for himself
[wife explaining to me how deaths in movies work]
So the actors really don’t die?
“No”
So is Abraham Lincoln really not dead?
*she sighs*
Y’all will never guess what her husband bought her. I’m hollering!!
Call me woke but the most offensive name in the kitchen is the Lazy Susan. Susan was not lazy, Susan was smart. Susan is a hero.
How to lose a gf:
Gf: which of my friends would be the most fun to have a 3some with?
Me: *names two of them*
Caterpillar: no legs wtf how do I get around?
God: *wearing bird mask* BOO
Caterpillar: o000ö
God: haha jk it’s just me
Caterpillar: oOOOö
God: SEE YOU’RE DOING IT
If you lead a horse to pretzels and then to water, he will definitely drink.