*gets down on 1 knee*
OMG
*puts 2nd knee down*
WHAT?
*lays on floor*
JIM?
*snake noises*
WHAT ARE YOU DOING?
*slithers out of relationship*
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I want to be wealthy enough to leave notes for the house-sitter like: “If the leopard gets lost in the hedge maze, play Sade and he’ll find his way back.”
Guy at the urinal next to me was pee moaning so loud, I thought he was going to breakout into an Adele song.
my only crime was caring too much. caring too much about fire
I cannot imagine being as bored as the first person to poach an egg
Cop: First name please…
“Frida”
Cop: Last name…
“Gomam”
Cop: You’re Frida Gomam?
*peels out*
Cop: Nice, nice
Facebook: losing friends.
Twitter: gaining friends
Instagram: gaining weight
Dear Mario,
I wasted my childhood trying to save your girlfriend 🙂
The fact that jellyfish have survived for 650 million years despite not have brains is great news for stupid people.
Him: Do you want to watch a little TV?
Me: No. I want you to buy me a big one.
18: Thanks for the nuggets.
Me: I didn’t buy you nuggets.
18: Well 19 said she didn’t either, so how did the get in my room? Someone could have broken in.
Me: Yes and left you a 20 piece with ranch, that has been happening a lot on this street.
[Doctor’s office]
Doctor: “OK. I have something to tell you. I think you should probably sit down”
Me: “No thanks. I’ll stand. What‘s up?”
*I get mauled by a tiger that was hiding under his desk
Doctor: “I wanted to tell you my pet tiger gets nervous when people are standing”
Dating isn’t easy when you’re married.
[ first day working at a pet store ]
customer: can i see that fish bowl?
me: sure let me get his shoes
Dating Profile:
List a strength: I’m a confident decision maker.
List a weakness: Those decisions are usually really, really bad.
On a road trip, if you need to pee, you have two options: public restrooms or the grass. I went for grass and could see my dogs nodding their heads in solidarity
babe, listen, I need you to bring me $15000 cash and my passport. I out-pizza’d the hut and they are after me
Can’t wait for Daylight Saving Time to end this weekend so the clock in my car will have the correct time.
How my wife saves money:
Wife: I’m going to get my car detailed.
Me: The hell you are! You know how expensive that is?
*happily spends twice the amount of time I normally would cleaning her car*
[ first date ]
her: i like a man who plans financially for the future
me: i swallowed $9.13 this morning that i won’t be able to spend until later
*goes shopping without makeup and a hair in the messy bun*
“Hi everybody I ever met since 1999”
I moved to this city ten years ago with just the clothes on my back. I soon learned that I’d also need some clothes for my front. City people aren’t as open minded as you’d think.
Whoever is responsible for “tear here” that doesn’t work, I will find you.
I feel like I’m living in my own horror movie. But it’s like a B movie that will never get much traction.
Revenge of the Fruity Pebbles. Yeah, direct to streaming at best.
Walking the dog when we pass a mom and kid taking pics. Naturally my dog stops and poses & wont move. I tug. She stays. They laugh. Finally I say “I’m sorry, you have your phones out so she thinks you want a pic of her”. They pretend to snap a pic. Dog immediately walks on🤣🙄😭
Revenge is never the answer, but sometimes drawing wrinkles on their voodoo doll just feels right
[performance review]
boss: from now on you’re getting supervision
me: yes!!
boss: wait, that doesn’t mean–
me: *already smashing my glasses*
I’ve been singing “it’s the most wonderful time of the year” to my kids in honor of school starting, and wow, are they mad about it.
Jo, lean
Jo, lean
Jo, lean
Jo, LEAN!*our canoe tips over*
99 out of 100 Planet F1tness employees don’t give a fuck. You could smoke a brisket in the locker room, they’re just gonna ride out their shift. That one percent tho…
If you wait until the last minute to do something it only takes a minute to do it.