I was 15 minutes into destroying a plate full of ribs before I even noticed my date had left.
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the approval process for adding someone to a group chat should be harder than getting a passport.
*first date*
Me: Well I have a dog, so a lot of my life seems like it’s controlled by them sometimes!
Her: Aw, that’s sweet. Pets can be like that!
My dog: *through my hidden earpiece* OK now tell her I’m a good boy
Take me with you! I shout to every airplane that flies over my house.
[Duck support group]
“After i lost Barbara I was doing bread 5, maybe 6 times a day”
*the other ducks nod sympathetically*
*Takes our kid away so my wife can have a break*
*Takes kid to pub*
*Bumps into wife at pub*
[the Schrödinger home – Vienna, 1897]
“You see? She is both dead and al-”
“Erwin, let your cousin out of the bathroom. NOW.”
The average parent burns 870 calories a year by shaking powdered cheese packets before opening them.
Eating a takeout salad alone in your car can feel depressing, but not if you fully commit to the backstory that you’re a detective on a stakeout.
Pigeons are the dandelions of the animal kingdom: unappreciated, plentiful, and when you give a bouquet of them to ur mom she won’t like it
If you mean sleeping, then yes, I’m pretty freakin’ amazing in bed.
me: who are some of your favourite postmen? who inspires your craft? postman: please take your fingers out of the slot. i can’t put the letters in
If you see a dog locked in a car on a hot day, it’s legal to teach it how to hotwire the vehicle and drive off in search of a better life.
That guy who ran through the White House could go to prison for ten years, so there’s another reason I don’t run.
Before you criticize my scam how about you give me a chance to lie to you about it
Pregnant women go through a “nesting” phase where they make a tree fort out of twigs and parts of men they’ve killed.
So what I ate my salad with a spoon, lf you give me a second date and i’ll show you how I tackle soup
My neighborhood is having a meeting tonight about the crazy naked lady and I’m the only one not invited. Weird.
If my wife doesn’t win anything on this $1 scratch ticket, it’s going to go down as one of the worst anniversary gifts ever.
As all of evolution expected, I’ve decided not to eat that butterfly with the angry looking eyes on its wings.
If you can see the bread you are not using butter correctly.
The English language lacks a word to mean “To make a spouse feel uncomfortable by aggressively cleaning the house around them”.
Sometimes I’ll stop the treadmill at the gym and run in place. When people ask me what I’m doing, I’ll say, “Pretend stoplight.”
Why do smurfs laugh when they run? Because the grass tickles their balls 😂
Best thing for your hangover…me playing “My Heart Will Go On” for you on the kazoo.
I seem pretty put together for a grown woman who imagines she’s traveling through a wormhole each time she pulls a turtleneck over her head.
I think my family is really going to dig the 15 minute powerpoint I’ve created of the things I am thankful for at Thanksgiving dinner.
The writing’s on the wall because I have a 4 year old
[Guy sees octopus doing squats at the gym on 4 legs]
“You doing legs today?”Octopus: Yeah my fourarms hurt.
Tastes victory
Victory: Eww! Stop licking me!!
mood