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Jeff Bezos going to space gives me a nervous feeling. Like what if something happens and he doesn’t stay there, you guys?
I made some Disney valentines. Please enjoy and share.
The Wife: What are you doing?
Me: Dressing for the job I want…
The Wife: PUT YOUR CLOTHES ON.
Welcome to your 50s. You’re pretty laid back about everything now –
except when the GODDAMN SQUIRRELS get in your bird feeders with the expensive food with peanuts, pecans, and chunks of suet–I THOUGHT THESE WERE SQUIRRELPROOF FEEDERS!!!!
Her: I’ll bring the wine, you bring the sandwiches. Any kind.
[later]
Her: Umm, why is the picnic basket dripping?
My: Oh no, my ice cream sandwiches!
Me: you’re my first customer so forgive me if I’m slow
Bank robber: you’re doing great buddy
My spouse claims to be a good driver, but there’s no way the dog got all these tickets
“hey mister can i pet your dog?”
“sure kid”
“what kind is he?”
“that there’s a pure beef vienna son careful don’t get mustard on your shirt”
I don’t care what Bruce Lee said, entering a dragon is just poor advice.
You should be tunashamed of yourself!
[on a first date]
Her: …
Me: …EMT: So, whose idea was it to go ice skating?
It’s ironic that we put rats in mazes when we, as a species, can’t find our way around IKEA.
Me: Alexa, did I take too much Benadryl?
Hockey puck:
I’m about two tissues away from shoving a tampon up my nose.
I told the bartender, “surprise me,” and he gave me ice water.
Dentist: Are you sensitive to hot or cold water?
Me: Yes, both
Dentist: okay, I’m just going to blast this industrial high velocity waterpik on your teeth then
We’ve replaced the names of the foreign countries & leaders in Trump’s speech with the names of IKEA® furniture. Let’s see if he notices
Everyone has that one friend they’ve known for years and still have no idea what they actually do for a living but it’s too late to ask
him: *on one knee*
me: you disrespectful piece of–
My doctor’s office just called to confirm my Pap smear tomorrow. They told me I’m not allowed to bring any guests. So if I had previously invited you to this incredibly invasive procedure, unfortunately I have to uninvite you. Sorry.
*Feels the cool breeze caressing my skin*
Cool breeze: I have a girlfriend
“Hey Google, set an alarm for 5 AM”
Google: “No. That’s stupid.”
My credit card was declined and when I called Visa they asked me to verify that I was a 39 year old man buying a unicorn frappuccino.
Who called it a goose wearing a suit and not a propaganda
Our dog came in half-frozen after her walk. I haven’t seen that cat grinning this big since our dog had to wear the cone of shame.
i’ve always struggled spelling out “blood” with my fingers because it always comes out looking like “bbool”
Waiter, Waiter, there’s a small slug in my salad.
I’m so sorry Sir, would you like me to bring you a bigger one?
#WaiterJokes #RubbishJokes #Puns #DadJokes
[summons genie]
genie: are you finally ready to use your wishes
me: no but while you’re here, kindly pass the remote
genie: [visible anger] you can’t keep doing this, this isn’t how this works
*purposely chooses network with most dropped calls*
[on date]
*okay don’t let her know you’re a T-Rex*
Her: Can you pass the salt please?
Me: Crap…