wife: as immature as you are, you do do a lot for this family, so thank you
me: *giggles*
wife:
me:
wife: …go ahead
me: “do do”
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Me: What do you want to do tonight?
Husband: I was thinking we could do what all those young people talk about and Netflix and —
Me: *already asleep*
I started calling all three of my children by their last name. You’d think that would increase my chances of one of them acknowledging me, but you’d be wrong.
I tried to let the wine breathe but it needed mouth to mouth.
So who’s the hero now?
When I die, before I’m cremated, fill me with popcorn kernels for one last laugh.
At my funeral there will be cake so people aren’t disappointed like me at this cake-less funeral
[first day as a human being] wow there are a lot of us, this seems promising 🙂 it appears that we’re all in this togeth-
Me in HR: I wasn’t trying to be condescending… It’s just that the boss didn’t understand and I thought the puppets might make it clearer.
“Where you going, we’re in the middle of a conversation.”
OMG! This is just the middle.
Annnnnd that’s how the fight started.
People with fireplaces look at you funny when you say “oh I see you have a s’mores maker”.
When the pandemic ends, don’t forget to update your Face ID so your phone can recognize you without that cheeto dust mustache.
Going to put a sensor in the kitchen sink so whenever someone puts something in there a recording of my voice will shout DISHWASHER!
“Your colon will thank you”
Me: I don’t like it when my colon talks to me
*exercises sarcastically*
ME: I need a new phone, this one got wet
VERIZON: How’d you get it wet
ME: I talked dirty to it
HIM: ……
ME: Water asshole. How else?
My friends made fun of me for buying this flamethrower, but at least I don’t have to shovel snow this weekend.
We got a notice at work that a coyote had been spotted on the fitness trail, and I was, like, “Good for him.”
Wife: Talk sexy to me
Husband: Commencing garment extraction
W: Huh?
H: Initiating trouser disengagement
W: …
H: Removing unmentionables
dinosaur: *seductively* are you a triceratops or a tricerabottom?
Relationship status: the doorbell rings, my heart is pounding, it’s the pizza delivery guy. Three-cheese, double toppings, thick crust.
me: *summoning the hot dog demon by nailing a shitload of hot dogs to the wall in the shape of a pentagram*
hot dog demon: not you again
*Sandra Bullock floating around in the background of all the new Star Wars movies*
flight attendant: is there a doctor on board
me: i have a doctorate in mathematics
flight attendant: this man is dying
me: minus one
*at party*
Guy: Want to dance?
Me: I’m sorry but I cannot, in good conscience, leave this cheese ball unattended.
I got kicked out of another Super Bowl party for changing the channel to Forensic Files
Congrats on your new baby. I remember a night where you drank a fifth of Jim Beam and crapped yourself. Glad you’re raising a child now.
how to talk to a woman wearing headphones:
1. be the artist she has currently chosen to listen to through her headphones
Doctors penmanship is so poor because they’re actually making fun of you to the pharmacist
[job interview]
What’s your biggest weakness?
Ahhhhhhhhhhh!!! Sorry about that. Questions, definitely questions.
I just signed up for a gym membership and sprained my wrist
*after five days of storms with record rainfall remembers to turn off sprinkler system*
*grass dies due to lack of water*