The best thing about being an introvert is not having to wait on someone else to binge watch a show on Netflix.
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The cool side of the pillow just offered me drugs.
Oohh, you play bass, as in the guitar. I thought you played bass, like the fish. I would’ve paid to see that.
[at restaurant]
Table for two please.
“Do you have reservations?”
Yes, this place looks like a dump but I’m hungry.
Dispatcher: 911. What’s your emergency?
Me: Help! I’m being held hostage in a downtown office building!
D: By who?
Me: This really angry man! 1460 Maple Avenue. Please hurry! He’s making me DO THINGS!
D: OK. Please stay on the line.
Me: I can’t. My coffee break’s almost over!
me: is there anything i can do about my dry skin
dermatologist: aloe
me: hi is there anything i can do about my dry skin
detective: what happened?
librarian: a guy stole $10,000 worth of college textbooks
detective: how’d he do that?
librarian: I think he hid them both in his jacket
Grand Theft Auto reminds me of Florida. Except one lets you shoot people without consequence and the other is a video game.
wishing you and yours all the best
We get it Amazon Prime, everyone relies on moms at the last second too
WIFE: I got us this new candle
ME: sweet. What flavor is it?
W: don’t you mean ‘what scent is it?’
ME (with a mouthful of candle wax): What?
I post 🟩🟩🟩🟩🟩 on Facebook everyday.
I don’t play Wordle, but it drives my family nuts.
*phone rings*
Menacing voice: ‘Have you checked the children?’
Me: ‘Could you do it?’
Coworker: I didn’t know you dip.
Me: *Puting a pinch of shredded cheese in my lip like chewing tabacco* Ugh, no. What a disgusting habit.
I got a shopping cart today with 4 working wheels, it was full of lingerie models and self confidence and I was dreaming
I hop in a tanning bed during storms in the hopes of being struck by lightning & turned into a lame, but beautifully bronzed, superhero.
Me, whispering to myself: When it’s time to party, we will always party hard.
with both parents in the hospital the second most asked question i get after “how are they” is “how is your husband doing with the kids when you’re gone all the time?”
im going to start telling people he was unable to handle them so he sold them to the circus
They say “do something today that makes the world a better place”…….so I’m getting drunk.
me: *nauseated from eating too much*
also me: did you say cake?
Me: *joins a throw pillow of the month club*
Husband: *cries*
Hey ladies, No Shave November ain’t for you. Just saw some gal lookin’ like she was tryin’ to smuggle a cactus in her yoga pants. Merica.
Oh no, I accidentally drove over my neighbor’s creepy garden gnome 12 times.
[speed dating]
Him: have you ever been married?
Me: just once… we had a beautiful ceremony in my parents yard with all my Barbie dolls in attendance but an hour later he went back to live with his mom
Him: lol aww you were 5?
Me: don’t be ridiculous *sips drink* I was 30
Itsy bitsy spider (drenched): sorry I’m late
Spider’s wife: what took so long?
Itsy bitsy spider: I got washed down the water spout
Spider’s wife: you won’t be climbing up that again
Itsy bitsy spider: yeah… for sure
What adults say: I’m just gonna close my eyes for a minute.
What adults mean: goodnight see you tomorrow
A face that lunched a thousand chips.
A great way to end small talk is by saying “you’re not real, you’re not real.”
I could literally be on fire burning to death and my kids would ask me to open their snack rather than any other adult around.
Kissing: first base
Under shirt stuff: second base
Under pants stuff: third base
Taking two to make a thing go right: Rob Bass
Apparently when someone tells you they’re pregnant, “why” is not an acceptable response.