Yeah I’m married, but get one thing straight, I do WHAT I want, WHEN I wanfdsskk THIS IS SHAUN’S WIFE, HE HAS TO GO NOW, HE SAYS GOODNIGHT.
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I carry a stone around to throw at anyone I hear singing Christmas songs before Thanksgiving.
I call it my Jingle Bell Rock.
Maybe Bigfoot wouldn’t be so reclusive if we stopped body shaming him
Me *dying* no, no, no, I can’t join the afterlife with these on
[Later]
Wife: What the hell is that noise?
Son: I think that ghost is wearing flip flops
*pulls up to window*
Me: *on phone* Ok, so you want a chocolate shake also? Ok, I’ll get two then. *phone rings while its at my ear*
sorry I can’t come to work today, my dog finally caught a bird this morning and I’m going to need the next 2-6 weeks to emotionally recover
Remember the Scooby Doo episode where they put Scooby down and gave Shaggy the death penalty for ripping the face off an innocent person?
If you get a present from me with scissors and a roll of tape trapped under the wrapping paper, I’m gonna need those back.
ME: rock, paper, scissors
PROCTOLOGIST: *snaps on glove* and you’re sure that’s all
“of course i’ve had a girlfriend before you guys. i know what i’m doing!!” *types “what do girlfriends eat” into google*
– My dad (driving my car): How long has your car been doing this?
– Me: …Doing what?
If you tell me you’re having a bad day I will quietly grab you by the face and stare deeply into your eyes and whisper “all days are bad days”
I noticed you were watching as I struggled to find my mouth with my straw. Glad we could share that moment.
What’s that thing called where every time you stand up you have to limp for the first minute? Oh yeah…39
Most of my upper body strength comes from trying to push a grocery cart through the store with 3 kids hanging on it.
ok but this should absolutely be the only acceptable method now
The only thing I do to get my body ready for summer is make sure my AC is serviced.
RIDDLER: riddle me this
TODDLER: *does Todd stuff*
Feeling adventurous? When your wife calls you, text her “He’s busy” and then switch off the cellphone.
Facebook: I’m happy!
Instagram: I’m pretty!
Vine: I’m artsy!
Pinterest: I’m crafty!
Twitter: I’m lying everywhere but here.
CUT, CUT!! [Music stops]
LOOK IT’S A WESTERN MUSICAL
[Rubs temples] YOU HAVE TO KEEP THE COWBOY HAT ON-
[Cat runs off] Meow!
So, you had unprotected sex with a Robot, what now?!
Looking back, I should have considered all the framed pics of serial killers she had as a red flag.
“I now pronounce you lunch and dinner.”
The Hello Kitty exorcism kit includes my gullibility for being duped into buying her cute products again.
Priest: Do you read to your kids from the Good Book?
Me: Every night
Priest: What’s their favorite part?
Me: When Frodo destroys the ring
[at Doctor’s office]
“When’s the last time you had sex?”
Last night.
“With a male or female?”
Oh…with another person?
ME:John’s coming over for dinner.
WIFE:Work John or Been to Europe John?
JOHN:*from outside* This door reminds me of one I saw in England.
Boss: you’re late
Me: *grabs his coffee* thanks, though it’s pronounced ‘latte’
[Mugshot photographer]
Me: now lets do a silly one
Im wearing a chefs coat and a stoned guy thanked me for my service. You are welcome, my brother