“you’re the biggest narcissist i’ve ever encountered!”
why are you making this about you?
You Might Also Like
Being off twitter for so long gave me the time to appreciate what’s really important in life, so I’m back on twitter
There was a cricket on my toilet seat so I just backed out awkwardly. Lock the door next time, bro.
The best thing about working at my office is that you can literally use as much toilet paper as you want in the restroom.
My grandma sailed on the Titanic.
She keeps trying to tell me what it was like but I say “Shut it Nana, I haven’t even seen the movie yet!”
I am officially off the market😂😂😂😂😂
My neighbor and I stepped out at the same time, both of us dressed up for meetings. I nodded at him approvingly. He looked me up and down and grinned. I STILL GOT IT, I thought. Gave my presentation to 50 people. Get home only to realize my pants are inside out.
My TC has found the love of her life. Her husband disagrees but her boyfriend is happy. I am so conflicted right now 😭
“Dress for the job you want!”
*dresses up as celebrity-slapper*
COP: Do u know why I pulled u over?
ME: *looks at the penguin in my passenger seat* God damnit Ralph I told u to put ur seatbelt on.
I’ve never had houseplants before. What kind of toys do they like?
Me, when there’s an errand that lets me leave the house when everyone is acting crazy:
I’m so relieved after getting my last electricity bill today.
It said..
FINAL NOTICE
Everybody is fighting a battle that you don’t know about…because of the first rule of Fight Club.
ME: Pet it
OPTIMUS PRIME: But I’m afraid of it
ME: It’s just a dog
OP: Oh..ok [reaches out]
DOG: [sneezes]
OP: [transforms into large truck]
Son: Mom, can I get tiktok?
Me: OMG *whispering to wife* At his age shouldn’t he be calling it a clock by now?
Selfie attempt: come hither look
Selfie result: looks like I’m staring into a sandstorm
{speed dating}
Me: What handbags can you afford?
“To label you “divine” would be to capture but a fraction of your resplendence.
… and could you pleeeeease grab an Oreo while you’re up?”
superman accidentally arriving a thousand years too early
man: is that a bird?
Doctor: your husband is being treated by a team of ten strainers
Woman: you mean he’s
Doctor: yes, in ten sieve care
my fav brides on Say Yes To The Dress are the ones who come in wanting a specific dress but don’t call ahead to see if it’s in stock and are like sooo shocked it’s not there. Baby!!! it’s your wedding dress!!! I’ve called bakeries to make sure they have a cinnamon roll in stock
Honest wine recommendations are exactly what you need via @pleatedjeans
Took the batteries out the smoke detector for the TV remote cos I’d rather suffocate & burn to death beyond recognition in my sleep than get up to change channel.
(it starts to rain)
worms: the revolution has begun.
I always ask for a receipt so I can keep them in my purse for 86 years.
The gal in front of me on this flight didn’t enjoy me stroking her forehead after she reclined into my lap. Thought we were having a moment.
This flying squirrel faked his own death, and created a whole crime scene…for attention. I think I’m in love.
I read all tweets with poor grammar and word choice in a Cookie Monster voice.
“Hot damn!” – the Nazi’s probably after their dams were destroyed.
I don’t know; I’m not a historian. It’s just an educated guess.
Earth reviews
⭐☆☆☆☆
“The landscape is memorable but the human inhabitants are all shit”⭐⭐⭐⭐⭐
“They do amazing things with potatoes”