Forget the fire jugglers and sword swallowers, the most hazardous job at a carnival is guessing the age and weight of women.
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I won a cozy blanket at work today and pissed off a lot of people. It was awesome.
I’m not ashamed of my past. Well, except for that time I used the word snazzy.
breakfast, the most important beer of the day
funny how siblings excel at different things for instance I’m the funny one and my brother is the successful one
I am very, very sick but a neighbor just rode his bike down the street screaming “WE ARE NOT GETTING ANY MORE ANIMALS!!!” while being chased by his 3 small children on their (decreasingly smaller) bikes who kept chanting “HAMSTER! HAMSTER! HAMSTER!” and I had to share
screaming into balloons for an extra surprise when the kids pop them
My autobiography will be subtitled, “Guaranteed 100% Typo-Fre”
first person to peel a carrot: this needs to be slightly smaller
You are what you eat.
*eats Ryan Gosling*
*crosses fingers*
Would you wear it?
“You know a lot of people think you built the pyramids”
The alien trying to abduct me:
why do you have so much Mayonnaise in your fridge
People that tell us what sex gods they are..what do you want us to do with that information?
Pilot intercom: We are currently 30,000 feet in the air.
Me to my wife: No way there are 15,000 people on this plane.
Wife to flight attendant: Are there any other seats available?
If you get drunk and message your ex, don’t worry. When you wake up, send bitcoin ads and pretend you were hacked.
This aging app is really getting people’s hopes up that the world will still be here when they’re old
[May 2020]
Top 5 of the wealthiest ppl in the World thanks to Covid- 19.
5.
4.
3.
2.
1. Divorce lawyers
Whoever invented the boomerang had trouble letting go.
culinary school students be like “bruh i got spaghetti due at midnight 😰”
Fries should be offered more often like yes your mortgage is approved would you like fries with that?
We made fun of recipe bloggers for including stories but now online recipes are actual hell. It used to be a cute story about a trip to Italy but now you have to search through “17 techniques for chopping garlic” and “8 tools you could use for garlic chopping (Amazon links included)” and 12 ads to MAYBE find the recipe.
You’ve just ordered Pizza Hut and a 2L Mountain Dew. You’ve loaded up Diablo on your PC. No school tomorrow. Your parents don’t care if you stay up all night long. A perfect Summer night. You are 39 years old. The year is 2023.
19 is going to my 20 year reunion as me. Now we wait.
[drive thru]
GUY ON INTERCOM: can I help you
ME: yeah are you guys open
Get yourself a woman who likes to watch murder shows, but doesn’t keep a notebook of the methods labeled “tips and tricks”.
Anyone know any Sausage Biscuits looking for a job?
me: [nervously] how often do these things crash
flight attendant: just once usually
You get a green perennial vegetable, you get a green perennial vegetable, EVERYBODY GETS GREEN PERENNIAL VEGETABLES!
– Okra
Tried a smile yesterday and my white blood cells attacked it.