Me: I don’t trust our mailman.
Wife: Why?
Mailman: [from closet] Yeah, why?
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body: you’re dehydrated
me: I literally just drank a glass
narrator: that was 3 days ago
One day she says “Treat me like a princess,” the next she’s pissed that I married her off in exchange for an alliance with Spain. Women…
If newscasters are going to be broadcasting from their homes, the least they can do is show us around the place.
JOB INTERVIEWER: can you explain this gap in your resume
ME: yes its 7pts tall, separates two sections in a visually pleasing way, and aligns to a carefully proportioned grid
INTERVIEWER: no, i mean here where it says you didn’t work for two years
ME: i.. was designing my resume
Told my father a joke on our last call. He no longer wants me to visit in July.
no mom you don’t get it I used “you’re” instead of “your” as a joke to be ironic on the internet. yes I realize it makes me look silly. no mom colleges don’t care about that. they aren’t gonna look at my twitter. ok. ok yes I understand. im sorry I’ll delete it. I love you too
Target can refuse you a job, but they can’t stop you from asking the guests in dressing rooms if everything’s fitting ok
I’m assuming my husband bought me gym clothes and fat burning supplements because he wants a divorce
Server: Everything ok over here?
Me: Yes, thank you.*2 minutes later*
Server: Still doing ok?
Me: Things have taken a dark turn I fear.
ME: [googling Why Do I Have A Migraine?]
GOOGLE: You need caffeine. You drink too much caffeine. You need sleep. You sleep too much. You need to eat. Food can cause migraines. The weather changed & you should’ve figured out how to control that. You need to go back in time and-
being a work from home parent is hard dude. i’ve been telling my son he has to work hard to be a success in life and now he sees me watch videos of people running from the cops on my phone while i wiggle my mouse every 3 minutes.
My kid: I’M NOT GOING TO BED!
Prison guard: *pinches bridge of nose* Again, this is not up to you.
My gynecologist follows me on Instagram, I really do not know what else he wants to see.
Please stop telling dirty jokes at the office. It’s inappropriate, and you’re talking too softly for me to hear the punchlines.
Teacher: Fill out the parent form.
Me: Why?
Teacher: So I can contact you if your kid gets in trouble.
Me: *writing* Raised. By. Wolves.
I’ve had 3 men proclaim their love for me since the Coronavirus hit, so how’s your quarantine going?
ME: [blowing on ouchie] That’s better
SURGEON: How did you get in here
“And there was this one time…”
*scuffle scuffle*
*muffled swearing*
*mic drops*Me, giving a wedding toast
I create my own luck. Also, my own problems. I’m very creative.
Me: Do you like children?
Him: Yes, I love them.
Me: Good, because I become a huge child when I drink.
[me, explaining my weird bedroom TV setup to my date]
We can watch whatever you want as long as it’s YouTube, Netflix, or any of the Jason Bourne movies b/c those are the only DVDs I own.
[wheel of fortune]
me: id like to buy a vowel
pat: arent u a millenial
me: [sigh] id like to rent a vowel
So sick of all these stupid rules
date: I won’t be able to see you for a while. I need to focus on watching the World Cup.
me: *flops to the ground clutching my shin*
Me: I wanna chew the gum
Willy Wonka: No! You’ll turn into a blueberry
M: I’m doing it
W: Don’t
M:
My mom making me come say hi to somebody I “knew” as a baby
me: how was your camping trip
5 y/o: good
me: what’d you guys do
5 y/o: camped
she left me for good. what am i suposed to do now?
“…there ar plenty of fish in the sea”
OK DUDE FOR THE LAST TIME IM NOT GONA DATE A FISH
Shut up laundry.Nobody wants to do you.
if you give me a serious answer to a silly question I’m giving you a wedgie