[first time seeing Godzilla]
ok so where’s Jesuszilla
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Hell hath no fury like a child who found you threw away bubble wrap
I don’t like being asked “are you at home?” Please expand further so I can know whether I’m at home or not.
I took one of those DNA tests and found out I am 30% mashed potatoes.
Sleeping Beauty has a pretty good situation going on until Prince Charming came and screwed it up.
If you have slept with someone who sounds like Darth Vader breathing, you understand why it’s so great to sleep alone.
I’ve not been into the office since March, but I can still smell the boiled eggs my coworker ate at lunch on that last day.
I’m sorry, you’ll have to repeat that. I’m not fluent in nonsense.
EXECUTIVE: this ones not about murder is it
STEPHEN KING: its about children
E: ok
SK: in corn
E: thats nice
SK:who murder
E: dammit Stephen
Sneezed so hard I think I pulled an ovary
I didn’t choose the thug life, the thug life chose me; mistakenly as it were because I have the nerves of a guinea pig and puke when I cry.
imagine being born on january 1st, you gotta wait a whole year just for it to be your birthday lol
FB is the Flanders of social media, Twitter is Moe.
Inventor of rice cakes: What if chewing air made a noise?
I drink coffee because I don’t think I would do well going to prison for murder.
My 8yo was playing science lab, spilled some concoction on the floor, and made a sign saying “caution: wet floor” instead of wiping it up, parenting is friggin’ ridiculous
i have to be eating a burrito for the facial recognition to work
Pro: My 9-year-old packed her own suitcase.
Con: My 9-year-old packed her own suitcase.
me: babe, i think we’re ready to take this to the next level. here’s a key, i want you to move in
her: it says volvo on it
Be like a cat and never give up on closed doors.
Child: What’s a pandemic?
Me: It’s like a potdemic but flatter.
Child: I’ll ask mom.
I put energy drinks in the hummingbird feeder. It’s for science.
Onion rings
Me: “Hello?”
My grandma married 2 men named Grover. I think she just had a thing for the name Grover, because she also married 2 women named Grover
My niece asked me to unlock my phone so she could watch cartoon on my phone, I didn’t answer her, next thing she took my phone out of the room and I was looking for her. Just guess where I found this babe? In front of our family portrait, trying to unlock my phone with my picture
Offered the kids $5 to clean so they could learn about money and then didn’t pay them so they could learn about randomly trusting people.
I didn’t make this, but it’s perfect
[worried my date might be getting bored so i turn my video game difficulty from easy to hard]
“No thanks, I’m vegan,” is apparently not funny when someone hands you a baby. 🤭
Inflation is definitely out of hand when hot cross buns are £1.25 for 4 when they used to be 1 a penny, 2 a penny.
Detective: We’re going to need to confiscate your phone and computer, look through your browsing history for anything that might be relevant.
Me: I’d rather just confess.
Detective: To what?
Me: Whatever