My childhood led me to believe that as an adult I’d have to contend with truth serum, lava, quicksand, trap doors, and secret passageways. So far it’s mostly been weight gain and existential dread.
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3yo: Who ate all my chips?!!
Me: You ate all your chips.
3yo: I’m so sad all because of my own self.
Me: Buckle up, it gets worse.
Making French toast is a lot like making regular toast. The only difference is that you use your tongue.
At this point my intestine is just a water slide for tacos.
My daughter asked me if I know how to do the Running Man, like my generation didn’t invent it. Anyway, that’s what brings me to the ER.
Conan: Texas recently had 9 earthquakes in a day. But don’t worry: Scientists are hard at work figuring out exactly what God was angry about
We’d been planning on using the $1.3 million from Jeopardy to buy a house, but now I’m thinking maybe I’ll just hold on to it for a year or two and then use it to buy Twitter
[ first day of engineer school ]
teacher: and what don’t we call them
me: choo choos
teacher: [nodding] choo choos
We’ve all talked about throwing a dirty dish away instead of washing it. But only some of us have done it.
If I don’t win Mega Millions tonight, I’m going to have to mend a lot of fences tomorrow.
Therapist: Are you a man or a mouse?
Mickey: Quite frankly, I was hoping you could tell me.
Oh, you climbed Mt. Everest?
Well, I live with 4 teenagers and ALL the laundry in the house is clean AND folded.
.
(job interview)
HR: And one of the many benefits we offer is a free gym membership. We really push healthy living.
Me: *stands up and leaves*
Due dates for babies are like estimated download times.
You’ve restored my faith in humanitNOPE THERE IT GOES AGAIN
i think anyone who has ever had beautiful styled hair or tried to hold a big pile of leaves in their hands will know the trouble a gust of wind can cause.
‘Head, shoulders, knees and toes’ used to be a lot more cheery when I wasn’t singing about what hurt on a morning.
I get lots of strange looks because not only do I laugh at inappropriate times but I’m a very loud laugher, it’s a real detriment when you think of a joke while having sex.
[using tweezers to yank out a splinter]
*extreme rat noises*
HER: ”So, what should I do now?”
DOCTOR: “Inform your partner.”
HER: “I don’t know if I can face him.”
DOCTOR: “You can write him a note.”
HER: “That’s a great idea!”
Just thinking up snappy comebacks to painful conversations I had 22 years ago. What are YOU doing?
They put rubber bands on lobster claws to prevent them from being on their phones all day.
got so much cardio in today
I fear all this talk of llamas & dresses has distracted us from the important fact that there is video of Madonna falling off a stage.
Women think all the scars on my arms makes me look tough. They don’t know the truth that they’re from reaching into vending machines
I like to start out my Wednesdays by dropping an entire cup of coffee down the stairs and crying about it for 6 minutes.
News: There are aliens in Miami
Internet: meh
News: Okay well how about More Epstein clients?
Internet: *yawns*
News: Jews in a tunnel?
Internet: 🤯 OMG yes! Now you have my attention
“With all due respect is the polite version of ‘listen here you little shit’”
*swirling hand sanitizer around in a glass like a sommelier* what year is this?
Manicotti implies the existence of Pedicotti.
Bowser: Honey, the toilet’s clogged
Wife: Call someone to fix it
Bowser: *dialing number* Well this is gonna be awkward