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Whenever I see someone trying to parallel park I avert my eyes and continue walking giving them the privacy they need because I’m a decent human being
You know you’re tired when you kneel on the ground pick something up and then have to decide if it’s easier to get up or just live there now
[Bar]
SEXY GIRL: Wanna go back to my house?
ME: That’s ok, thanks, I have my own house[3 days later]
ME: [spits out coffee] DAMN IT
I accidentally opened a survey and tried to close it. I got a message that said “please answer survey!”
You need to slow your roll there survey.
Hotel room coffee is still better than that whole relationship with you
Playing video games with your partner is a fun and easy way to start a huge fight for no reason
Okay friends, gonna start reading Garfield comics please don’t spoil which day he doesn’t like for me.
I’ve never been on Jeopardy, but I have put a 4yo to bed, so I know what it’s like to be asked about things you never even heard of.
Look, woman, I’ll do laundry when I’m out of clean clothes. *puts on skirt* I didn’t say whose clothes.
Clark Kent: *absentmindedly takes off his glasses*
Lois Lane: oh my god are you … a plane?
[laying on top of me]
4: I love you mommy; you’re my couch.
Genie: I grant you three wishes.
Bob: I want to be rich.
Genie: Granted.
Rich: I want a lot of money.
drank a Mike’s Hard Lemonade & crashed my dirt bike into a mailbox RT @McDonalds Good morning! How was your weekend?
Oh no, my favorite furniture store is going out of business again still.
Her: You sure love to beat people over the head with your vocabulary, don’t you?
Me: I think the word you’re looking for is “bludgeon.”
Sometimes I follow ants carrying food to the nest just to see who puts the groceries away.
Searched my teens room for drugs, was told “you don’t give me enough money for drugs.” I don’t know whether to be proud or up his allowance.
“ooOOOooo”
“oooOOoo”
“oooOOoh”
“OoOOooh”–spirited debate
Me: *pointing gun at husband*
Husband: are you kidding?? he’s obviously the fake
Obvious Evil Clone: *stroking hideous goatee*
Me: but he does all of the laundry
Husband: oh no
Me: They should make all kid clothes out of raincoat material because of how often they spill things.
Also me: [watches my kid spill juice on herself while wearing a raincoat, all of which immediately splatters onto the floor] Oh
Mark Strong is Stanley Tucci’s dark twin and we don’t even talk about it.
Friend: What do your kids like to eat?
Me: Anything that is on my plate, even though it’s also on theirs.
MAN: What are you doing?
ME: [pointing gun at lake] Fishing
MAN: No way will-
SALMON: [walks out of lake with fins up]
Uh, guys… I just heard from my doctor, and it’s bad news. If you’ve retweeted me recently, you should really go get yourself checked out.
my cat was hiding under my bed like a paranoid weirdo so I put his bowl under there and he spurned it all day long & I forgot about it and of course I just awoke to the terrifying sound of an animal devouring something under my bed
Dear Abby,
I never thought this would happen to me. Today I met a sexy woman who told me I write letters to the wrong publication.
The traffic must be horrendous in a red light district
My wife and I role play “The Fast and the Furious” in bed. Me and her, respectively.
Imitation is the sincerest form of crabmeat.
i’ll tell you this, anyone who breaks into my house is gonna find out why you don’t mess with a guy who collects sparklers